I love impromptu day trips to The Getty, when I remember what it feels like to be intellectual and realize just how beautiful California can be.

I love Saturday night dinners with my sister where even after spending 4 hours together we still have endless things to talk about while splitting gnocchi in four cheese sauce and spinach ravioli in sage butter sauce. (Food swoon.)

I love Friday nights spent waiting for the valet, complaining about reruns of “The Office” while standing behind a cast member from “The Office”, after seeing my favorite actor from “Friends” in an improv show and before seeing my favorite actor from “Parks and Recreation” walk past with my second favorite character from “Will and Grace”. (“I feel like I’m living Must-See Comedy Thursday!”)

I love scrapping plans to go out in exchange for playing “Lost” drinking games during which mind-blowing first season episodes send everyone running into the kitchen for refills.

I love annual Sunday morning coffee dates with my three best LA friends when I realize how much I love The Farmer’s Market, Coffee Bean Hazelnut lattes, and the fact that my three best friends live in LA.

I love endless texting and impromptu dinner outings with new LA friends that remind me that surprising things can still happen to me.

I love how I’m at a point in my life where Facebook stalking makes me feel insanely good about myself and my life choices rather than the other way around.

I love that even though I spent 5 hours working today, I’ve been insanely tired for a week, and I still feel that stress creeping over me, I’m weirdly happy right now. Love.

(PS I love all of you, who continue to read this on-again, off-again blog of mine. Although I suck at responding, my heart leaps a little bit every time one of you comments! <3 I’ll try to stop sucking.)

Every time vacation rolls around, I find a way to convince myself of all the great things I’m going to get myself to do, all the things I’m going to make time for, and (usually) all the posts I’m going to be writing on this blog.

And then regular life starts again. I get up at 5:30 and by the time I get home at 6, all I want to do is curl up in my brand new, ridiculously comfy, adorably pink Victoria’s Secret robe (can you tell I’m excited about it?) and watch The West Wing online. Blogging kind of gets forgotten.

Last time this happened in August, the no-blogging cycle included distractions from intense amounts of stress, tears, and hair-tearing-out. This time, however,  my distractions includes time spent obsessing over text messages, photog-ing with some lovely blogger friends, and finally seeing Avatar in theaters, thus allowing me to once again join in on discussions of American film. Last time, the stresses and complications of life kept me from blogging, or at least, kept me blogging only posts that made my mom call me to ask if I was still alive. This time, I kind of don’t want to blog (and kind of can’t blog) about what’s going on in my life. I can’t really blog about work (laws about child safety and privacy and all) and I can’t blog about my personal life much, as well, it’s personal, lots of people I know in real life read this blog, and (stupidly) I don’t want to jinx things by spewing about them all over the internet.

And that is the sucky thing about this blog. I started it to get things out, get feedback, and free myself from some of my thoughts by sending them out into the abyss of the internet. Now, however, I can’t do that. I rarely talk about the things that are actually on my mind here. I have to wrack my brain to think of things to put on this thing, most of which have little to do with who I am at the moment or what is actually happening in my life.

Sometimes I wish I could start over anonymously, but sadly, I don’t think I have time to deal with the complication. It’s sad, though. It would make a pretty interesting blog.

For now, I’ll say, life is very good. Busy, still stressful and tiring, but actually, really, really good.

This year has been mildly ridiculous, to say the least. I graduated from college, moved about four times, once across the country. I started my first real job and had several mental breakdowns along the way. I haven’t been the best blogger through all of it, but I’m saving resolutions for tomorrow. Today is just about looking back, so let’s go.

January

I rang in 2009  in Australia, a trip which I recapped past the point of necessity. After I got home and moved in with my parents (since I technically graduated from school in Jan. 2009), I celebrated the Steelers going to the Superbowl (if only they were on the same path now…) and (shamefully) found myself sitting inside a thick Twilight haze.

February

I started the month by taking my first of many trips to Boston for my best friends birthday. I decided to lose 15 pounds by graduation. (I got to 10, so win?) I hit a wall with temporary unemployment, then quickly was given a big project when my 10 pounds of Teach for America reading material arrived in the mail. I freaked out about being an adult and vlogged for 20SB vlog day (which I’ve since remembered I deleted out of embarrassment.)

March

Things perked up in March when I got my Nikon D90 (AND STARTED WRITING ONLY IN CAPS! Clearly, it was necessary) and immediately replaced television with photography. Then, instead of recapping my trip to LA or my weekend in Annapolis, I mentally decorated my future apartment and made Bakerella’s Cake Pops.

April

I was a little lazy with posting until I had a dilemma in car buying, wavered, then finally bought my beautiful blue 2005 Prius (which I’m still obsessed with. 45 mpg? $20 to fill up? iPod hook-up? Yes, yes, and yes.). I then celebrated Passover with some help from my non-Jewish father, failed at blogging (a common trend, no?), fought about gay marriage with a ridiculous pageant queen, and started a new photoblog (which I also failed at). Then, I finally figured out and listed the things that were causing me to fail at blogging.

May

I headed up to Boston for Senior Breakfast at my college and finally decided I was ready to move on from Boston and from college. (I’m starting to doubt that in retrospect…) Then I headed back to Boston a week later for Senior Week. And, you know, for my official graduation from college. Still bizarre to think about.

June

I was officially hired by a school in LA and decided things were going a little too well. I said good-bye to my parents (and learned later I made my mom cry). I took a little trip to Vegas you may have heard something about. I got to San Diego and hung out with an “old” college friend. I finally arrived in LA and started Teach for America Induction and met my future co-workers on a two day trip back to San Diego.

July

I wrote my first and last edition of quotes from the always stressful, sometimes funny Institute and wrote my first of MANY posts about balancing the stress of teaching with just about everything else in my life, in this case, seeing Harry Potter at midnight, a very important priority in my life.

August

I finished Institute and wished I had time to actually document what was going on in my life (which should be the official theme of this year.) Off-line, I started work and started school. I became a teacher.

September

More of the same. I wanted to blog. I wanted to be a normal person (by making a list of things I was going to do, none of which I did until about 3 months later). I wanted to not be tired all. the. time. Things weren’t bad, but they weren’t (that magic word) balanced.

October

After a major downer of a week, things weren’t bad for the moment.I reflected on my 22nd year as I moved into my 23rd, and I  played a little high low game in order to reflect on the good things that were happening in my life.

November

I took a trip to Berkeley to see American Idiot and came back with a severe case of grass is always greener syndrome. I had a week-off for Thanksgiving and was thankful for my awesome co-workers and my Gilmore Girl-like dinner situation. I then promptly discovered I have no idea what I want out of life. At all. Still awesome.

December

I started attempting to reminisce (and again promptly failed at the attempt), thinking back on my trip to Australia. I wondered if I would ever simply be happy and reflected on how my life right now is my biggest challenge.

So that was my year: a whole lot of boredom and family bonding into a whole lot of working and complaining about balance. I still don’t know what I want. I still don’t know how to feel about where I am right now. I still don’t know where I’ll be in a year and a half when this whole TFA thing ends. In this moment, I’m thinking about scrapping the whole regular job thing and giving this photography thing a go, but that’s just today. I can’t trust I’ll feel this way in a week, but that isn’t today’s discussion. Today is looking back. Tomorrow, I’ll be looking forward. Let’s go, 2010.

As I’ve been complaining about stress and balance, others in the blogosphere have been dealing with problems that make mine seem silly and simple in comparison. Please read this and keep Brandy in your thoughts. No one, especially someone who seems as genuine and awesome as her, should have to face something like this alone.

_____________________________

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Ha..hahaha….HAHAHAHA. Ha. heh.

Oh, sorry. That was obnoxious. That was just me laughing at the mild ridiculousness of this question, the latest prompt form Gwen Bell’s Best of ‘09 Challenge.

My biggest challenge? I’m living it this instant, surrouned by papers I should’ve graded weeks ago, a week from a huge school-wide exhibition my students are no where near ready for, wishing more than anything I could be watching the finale of Top Chef instead of slowly melting down in my room…..

What is my biggest challenge? Balance. I can’t seem to find it.

I put off work. I relax.

I feel guilty. I overwork.

I oversleep. I feel guilty. I work harder.

I snap at my students. I drink too much.

I undersleep. I drink too much coffee.

I get hyper. I have a good day. I think I have it figured out.

I break down. I have no idea what I’m doing.

I procrastinate. I cram. I overshedule.

I yell at my kids for not being on top of their shit. I laugh. I’m a hypocrite.

My biggest challenge? Getting up everyday knowing I’ll go to sleep with more to do. Figuring out how to live my life and do my job without failing at both.

I hope by next year my biggest challenge is something I know I can work through, because I’m having doubts about this one.

Everyone says being an adult kind of sucks. I accept that. I know paying bills, and dealing with insurance companies, and getting your car checked, and living on a budget aren’t fun but are neccessary parts of being an adult. I never expect my life to be all happy rainbows and freakishly adorable puppies. I do, however, hope to one day not dread Mondays. I do hope to one day have a job that doesn’t keep me from doing all the things I love to do guilt free. I do hope to have a fully decorated home and  possibly a living room that looks like this.

What I just can’t figure out is, how possible is all of this? Do the people who seem to have all the things I want really have them? Do they have jobs they love? Do they have time to take pictures, to decorate their homes for the holidays, hell, just to hang pictures on their walls? Do they have time to sit on their couches, sipping hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies without the threat of the impending work week hanging over them? Are these realistic things to hope for, or am I going to give up pretty good job after pretty good job hoping for something no one actually has?

My job is hard. It’s frustrating, and time consuming, and exhausting. It takes up most of my time. I don’t dislike it, though. In fact, most of the time, I like it. I do not like, however, that in the past four months, I have yet to find the time to hang pictures in my room. I do not like that I have yet to find time to upload and edit my pictures from Thanksgiving. I do not like that I feel guilty for going out last night, as it prevented me from getting as much work done today as I would’ve liked. I do not like that I get tired at 9-o-clock at night and that I have to leave my friends’ birthday parties early because if I stay, I will fall asleep on their couches. I do not like that my job makes me feel like if I’m not working 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I’m not doing enough. I do not like that I constantly feel inadequate. I do not like that my job feels like my life, when I know I am so much more than my job. Even though I like my job, are all these things that stand in the way of my true happiness enough to encourage me to actively seek out another job in two  years when my commitment is up? Or will another job come with the same problems and then some? Are these things that will follow me around no matter where I go?

I hate that I can’t just be content. I hate that I can’t appreciate the good things without letting the not so good creep in and piss me off. I hate that I’m constantly afraid I’ll never get the things I want or that I’ll spend my life settling for less than what will make me truly happy for fear that being truly happy is impossible.

As part of Gwen Bell’s awesome Best of ‘09 year wrap up, I’m going to attempt to participate and reflect on this past ridiculous year. First up is the best trip of the year….

This was an unbelievably tough decision. This was a year that had me traveling to Boston for my college graduation:

to Vegas to meet some ridiculously amazing bloggers,

but as crazy and fun as those trips were, one trip definitely stands up above the rest (even though it technically started in 2008), which would be my trip to Australia. (Insanely long recaps here, here, and here.)

Despite the 14 hour plan ride and the mild homesickness last Christmas, my trip to Australia was three weeks of bliss. It was sunny, warm, exciting, fun, and comfortable. Half-way around the world, I got to feel at home with one of my best friends and her family for the holidays. Millions of people visit Australia, but I got to feel like I lived there, as I celebrated Christmas with a remarkable family that made me feel a part of theirs and hung out with some ridiculously cool Australians, ringing in the New Year in a house by the beach. My friends Sarah, Sharon, and I hopped from Melbourne, to Mount Martha, to Sydney, laughing the entire time. I left $1800 richer (Impluse gambling, FTW!) and filled with memories that will last a lifetime.

Let’s hope 2010 brings me closer to my return to Australia and my reunion with my two amazing friends who made it the best trip of this year, and probably of several other years as well.

Maybe it’s the two day food coma I’m in. Maybe it’s the Sandra Bullock/Ryan Reynolds three-movie marathon I just had with my sister. (That’s The Blind Side, Definitely Maybe, and The Proposal, in case you were wondering) or maybe it’s the fact that I’m lonely in my relatively large apartment for the weekend, but I’ve finally realized and accepted something extremely important:

I have no idea what I want my life to be like: what kind of person I want to be, what kind of person I want to be with, what kinds of things I want to do, what kinds of places I want to live. No fucking clue.

Awesome.

Instead of being all negative and whiney, I’m going to try to follow some of the excellent advice you guys left me and be postive and happy about all the things that are going well, because, really? My life is going pretty well.

Well, I will pause for a brief moment of bitchery….The DMV can suck it. They can suck it HARD. Yesterday, I took my second trip there in two weeks, waited in 4 lines, gave them $1500 (well, my dad gave them $1500), was told I had to pay a $200 late fine because the LAST trip I took ended in utter failure (I contested this…angrily), yelled at the people helping me for the first time ever (I’m overly nice to everyone. This was a big deal), and after 5 (yes FIVE) hours, finally got my California plates and driver’s license. I think, however, it cost me my faith in government. I’ll have to watch copious amounts of The West Wing to get that back.

Anyway, things that are going well…

Friday I went bowling with my co-workers, like all of them. I don’t know if I emphasize this enough, but the staff at my school is comically amazing. They actually make intelligent, thoughful, and caring decisions about students, about what would actually be best for them, about how we can make them successful, happy, and prepared for work and college. It makes me sad and mildly angry that not every school can be run like mine is, with students being the most important factor in decision making. It makes so much sense, yet it seems like no one does it.

Besides being awesome teachers and all that business, they are fun. Like ridiculously fun. Like cheering louder than the entire bowling alley when I finally (amazingly) got a strike after 6 frames of gutter balls and starting dance parties in the middle of the lanes after a number of drinks. I doubt my high school teachers were ever this much fun, although, I kind of hope they were.

My kids are also kind of amazing. I’ve gotten two emails over the break from kids wanting to know what they can do to pull up their grades, and I spent two hours after school on Friday sitting with two girls in my class discussing Twilight and eating cookies. How is that not an amazing end to the week?

And the best thing about my job slash life? We have this ENTIRE week off! It’s literally the longest Thanksgiving break I’ve ever heard of, and despite spending the better part of my day yesterday at the DMV, it’s been an excellent break thus far, and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet. I’ve played beach vollyball, seen New Moon, eaten all-you-can-eat tacos, gone to the dentist (where they let me watch House while getting my teeth cleaned!), gotten my haircut, and been to a mildly ridiculous birthdary party. Tonight my sister is coming over to help me cook dinner, drink wine, and watch Glee. She’s staying over tonight to prepare for tomorrow when we will embark on a Gilmore Girl-esque thanksgiving adventure. We start at noon by meeting our San Diego relatives for lunch at the Montage in Beverly Hills for, what I assume, will be a ridiculously fancy Thanksgiving “dinner.” We’re then heading out to her neighbor’s dinner and then to her boyfriend’s dinner. I anticipate not being able to move by six.

If that is the case, I’m sure I won’t be able to type, so I hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving!

I have severe grass is always greener syndrome. I look forward to trips then long to sleep in my own bed the whole time. I order one dish at a restaurant and instantly regret all the others I didn’t get. I look at other people and ruminate endlessly about how whatever their situation is, it’s endlessly better than mine. I went to LA and couldn’t wait to get back to Boston, and by the time I ended my senior year in Boston, I was itching to get back to LA. I’m restless and unpleasable. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be happy or satisfied with what I have or if I’ll always be thinking about what I don’t have.

As I’ve become tired and had a few more bad days teaching – not that they’re all bad or that I’m not happy- I’ve wondered, and I really hate admitting this, but I have wondered if I made the right decision. Is this really what I want to be doing for the next two years? Would I be happier if I’d taken my other proposed path – staying in Boston, studying theater education, possibly working at my old theater job?

This weekend didn’t help. I spent most of the weekend driving back and forth between LA and Berkeley, as my friends and I took a quick road trip to see American Idiot at the Berkeley Repertory Theater. During the show, I almost started crying and not just because the show was phenomenal, which it most definitely was. (If you will be in the New York area next year, get tickets to see it on Broadway! I’m predicting it will be a hit. I mean, Green Day music PLUS the creative team behind Spring Awakening? What’s not to like?)

I got emotional and nostalgic because it reminded me how much I love theater and how much I miss being connected to it. Theater was my life growing up, and I definitely took my ridiculously amazing work-study job at the professional theater connected to my university for granted. I mean, I got free tickets to Broadway-caliber professional shows and got to spend my weekends hanging out with the cast of those shows…as my job. I had conversations about art and life, as well as boggle tournaments, with professional actors from all over the country while doing my homework, and I got paid for it. I mean, I definitely enjoy that my job now is much more challenging and, ultimately, more important that that job was, but I miss being around those kinds of people, I miss being around stage doors, and costume designers, and opening night parties, and overtures. I miss what I experienced this weekend, and I hate living in a town where that experienced is consistently undervalued.

And all that makes me think I’m not yet where I should be. I know I won’t be teaching forever, or at least, not teaching English forever, because theater is too important to me. Eventually, I hope to combine my love of theater with my teaching experience now by getting my Masters like I planned if I hadn’t gotten into TFA, but in this moment, riding the high of live musical theater and my road trip fever, two years feels like forever to be away from that world….and I keep wondering if I made the right call.