Hitting a Wall

February 11th, 2009 at 10:24 pm.

Monday, the honeymoon period with this time of unemployment officially ended. I’ve started feeling useless, bored, and unmotivated. I’m not quite sure what brought it on. I’m thinking it’s a mixture of realizing I no longer have enough time before moving to LA June to get a part-time job without feeling guilty when I leave (after I will have asked off for a trip or two AND for senior week/graduation) and finding out I failed one of the teacher credentialing tests in California. 

I keep telling myself to stop complaining about these next few months of nothingness. I’m SO lucky to have a job at all in June, so that I don’t need a job right now, so that I can sit around bored without feeling guilty about it. But I can’t stop feeling guilty about my lack of working. I feel like a drain on my family, even though I’ve done everything right up to this point. I graduated early to save money. I’m living at home to save money. I worked hard and guaranteed myself a job (with good pay AND health benefits) for the next two years! I should just enjoy this time, but that’s not the kind of person I am. If I’m not contributing right now, I feel bad spending money right now, no matter what I’ve done in the past or will do in the future. 

Also not me is this lack of…anything. I need goals and schedules. I need places to go. I need projects, and I have none. I could force myself to read some teaching books, but that isn’t enough to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. When I agreed to graduate early, I never expected to be in a situation like this. In my mind,  I thought I’d get a part time job to save money and enable me to take some guilt free trips to Boston to see my friends (and thus not feel like I’m missing out on my last semester of college) and maybe finally get myself a DSLR that would keep me busy enough at home, thus making graduating early alright. Instead, I have no job, since no one around here is hiring (Thanks, Economy!), and thus, have guilt at the thought of traveling or doing ANYTHING that would waste money, even though, I shouldn’t feel guilty (see above). So I’m double bored, as having a job would enable me to have other things to do, and not having a job results in having nothing to do. This is all now exacerbated by the fact that I have to spend some time (and thus, money) in LA to retake the teaching test in March, taking away money AND time I could have used to get a job. 

Bah! Ok…no more rambling. I need to think of some things to be excited about: going to LA when my best friend happens to be visiting for Spring Break. The NJ/PA/DE meet-up (hopefully) next week. Getting a new computer soon (ish…this keeps getting pushed back…but I’m being POSITIVE. Postive. Postive. Positive.)

Sorry this post is all woe-is-me when things could be SO much worse, but it feels nice to get this out and not just rant about it to my mom, who just tells me not to feel bad, which I wish I could do. 

Tomorrow, I’m going to try to write up my You Inspire Me post. That’s a good goal for the day, right? Right.

6 notes ( Reply )

  1. attainingme
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 12:27 am

    I relate too well to this post. And I look forward to your post tomorrow.

    attainingmes latest blog post…Valentine’s Day and my favorite thing

  2. Kaitlin
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 12:44 am

    I have the answer to your problems. Come to Ohio and finish my last semester. Yeah, I didn’t think that plan was going to work either.

  3. Melissa
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 12:58 am

    I’m so with you on feeling-guilty-for-spending-money-while-not-contributing-to-society thing. However: you have a Real World job lined up, and that’s totally impressive. I’m glad you have a couple awesome things coming up (::coughbloggermeet-up!::) soon–you definitely have reason to celebrate!

    Melissas latest blog post…Why Life Is Amazing Right Now

  4. the ex
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 4:22 am

    Dude, yes! I’m so, so at the same place you are right now. I feel like a schlub just sitting around all day and basically doing whatever I want but…uh…it’s also kind of freaking awesome.

    the exs latest blog post…A moo dinner.

  5. becky
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 2:03 pm

    Have you tried a temp agency? You can earn a little money, but not feel guilty about leaving before June.

    beckys latest blog post…Transitions… and good customer service

  6. AminoGenesis
    Nov 13, 2009 @ 2:28 pm

    Very interesting post. Might be old, but it was new to me. Good thing you have come up with such blog! Highly recommended! Keep it up!

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