I’m tired of hearing my named called impatiently from across the room. I’m tired of making copies. I’m tired of grading papers I know could be better. I’m tired of repeating myself over, and over, and over again. I’m tired of saying things like “I’ll wait until you’re quiet,” and “I’m not saying any of this for my own benefit.” I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m tired of never having enough time. I’m tired of wish I could do more, yet not being able to physically do more. I’m tired of saying “No, I can’t. I have more work to do,” to my friends. I’m tired of not even being asked. I’m tired of being told I’m doing great, while never actually believing it. I’m tired of crying to my mom and putting on a smile for everyone else. I’m tired of spending hours working on something for my kids only to have them complain about it.

Mainly, I’m just tired. All. The. Time.

Things aren’t all bad. I definitely have good days. I have times when my kids make me laugh, when they do something fantastic, when my staff makes me feel amazingly smart, and when I look around at all these 14-year-old faces looking up at me and smile because I get to help them get to where they want to go…but right now, I’m definitely in the middle of survival mode, at least according to the “First Year of Teaching Timeline” TFA gave us all. I’m a little worried, because after survival mode is disillusionment, and I don’t think I could handle all this work on top of being seriously disillusioned.

Let’s think of some good things that happened this week: I got my FREE (yes FREE) membership to an uber fancy gym, Spectrum. I caught up on all my television. I ate Chipotle for lunch today. I finally got my next project (kind of) planned out. And that’s all I’ve got for now. Eh.
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This weekend, I somehow didn’t have that much work to do once I sat down to do it. I’m not sure how I this happened, if it is a sign of to things to come or just a happy coincidence, but because of it, this weekend, I actually had time to go to a party, throw a party, have lunch with my sister, lounge by the pool, read outside, watch six episodes of Freaks and Geeks with Grace, and eat ice cream with Jillian. I’m kind of nervous, though, because I feel like maybe I should’ve done more, like I got sucked into the mindset of the three day weekend and didn’t do nearly enough to prepare for the rest of the week.

I have, however, remembered how great it feels to be a normal person. In order to keep this feeling up, I’m going (attempt to) commit to finding time to do some things for my own sanity:

1) Work out! – I haven’t worked out since before Institute, which is horrifying on a number of levels. Jillian found this awesome dance/yoga studio within walking distance of our apartment, so I’m going to go to a class tomorrow. I’m hoping it goes well, because it would be super convenient, and it looks fun (and stress relieving!)

2) Actually Use my Camera – I’ve been looking longingly at my beautiful, sad, unused Nikon D90 for almost as long as I haven’t been working out. I can’t remember the last time I used it…oh wait, it was in Vegas! Ridiculous. I really miss just going out and finding awesome, little things to take pictures of. I’m going to try to out go at least once a week or once every two weeks and take some pictures. I doubt I’ll do anything with them, but just doing it should be relaxing.

3) Blog/Read Blogs – I’m done complaining about not blogging. I want to be able to process what’s going on in my life and record it in some way. I also don’t want to let all my blog friendships die a slow sad death. I’m going to start again. Seriously guys. Seriously.

Ok, I think that’s all I can add in to my life right now. My sanity is resting on my ability to find time to do these things, so pray for my success. Ok. Go.

I want to blog. I really do. It’s just the last thing i think about every day. It’s at the end of my never-ending to-do list, and thus, I never get to it. I want to. I really do. I just want to sleep too. I want to be able to teach my kids a mildly interesting lesson, which means I want to take the time to write an interesting lesson plan. I want to watch Greek and Glee. I want to see my sister and call my mom. I want to talk with my roommates and do my laundry. I want to get to school early to finish my copies, and I want to stay at school late to help my students who are behind. I want to go in on weekends to organize my library and write out a kick-ass unit plan. I want to get my car checked and go to the doctor and the dmv. I want to go to happy-hour with other TFA-ers and bitch about all the things I want to do, but can’t, because when you get up at 5AM, get home at 6:30 and are standing and talking for all that time in between, doing all of those things seems (and basically is) next to impossible.

So…that is my excuse. That is my mea culpa. I’m tired and busy and sad that I’m not keeping up with everyone online or even keeping up with myself. I’m told it will get easier. I’ll adjust to the sleep schedule. I’ll set up an organization system that works. I won’t wake up some mornings wondering how in the hell I’m going to get through the day. I won’t be close to tears on the phone with my mom as my students start coming in the door.

No, things aren’t that bad. My kids are ridiculously fantastic. They’ve already done some great work, but I’ve also seen how much I have to do with them to get them where they need to be. We went on an overnight as a school last week, and while it was a tiring 30 hour trip, our school has such a community now. The people I’m working with are phenomenal, smart, dedicated professionals. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better situation, but still….it it’s so hard. It is so ridiculously hard.