The Right Call
Posted by Amanda on 11/17/09 in Arrggghh!, Out on the Town, The Future, Theater, Why I'm Weird
I have severe grass is always greener syndrome. I look forward to trips then long to sleep in my own bed the whole time. I order one dish at a restaurant and instantly regret all the others I didn’t get. I look at other people and ruminate endlessly about how whatever their situation is, it’s endlessly better than mine. I went to LA and couldn’t wait to get back to Boston, and by the time I ended my senior year in Boston, I was itching to get back to LA. I’m restless and unpleasable. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be happy or satisfied with what I have or if I’ll always be thinking about what I don’t have.
As I’ve become tired and had a few more bad days teaching – not that they’re all bad or that I’m not happy- I’ve wondered, and I really hate admitting this, but I have wondered if I made the right decision. Is this really what I want to be doing for the next two years? Would I be happier if I’d taken my other proposed path – staying in Boston, studying theater education, possibly working at my old theater job?
This weekend didn’t help. I spent most of the weekend driving back and forth between LA and Berkeley, as my friends and I took a quick road trip to see American Idiot at the Berkeley Repertory Theater. During the show, I almost started crying and not just because the show was phenomenal, which it most definitely was. (If you will be in the New York area next year, get tickets to see it on Broadway! I’m predicting it will be a hit. I mean, Green Day music PLUS the creative team behind Spring Awakening? What’s not to like?)
I got emotional and nostalgic because it reminded me how much I love theater and how much I miss being connected to it. Theater was my life growing up, and I definitely took my ridiculously amazing work-study job at the professional theater connected to my university for granted. I mean, I got free tickets to Broadway-caliber professional shows and got to spend my weekends hanging out with the cast of those shows…as my job. I had conversations about art and life, as well as boggle tournaments, with professional actors from all over the country while doing my homework, and I got paid for it. I mean, I definitely enjoy that my job now is much more challenging and, ultimately, more important that that job was, but I miss being around those kinds of people, I miss being around stage doors, and costume designers, and opening night parties, and overtures. I miss what I experienced this weekend, and I hate living in a town where that experienced is consistently undervalued.
And all that makes me think I’m not yet where I should be. I know I won’t be teaching forever, or at least, not teaching English forever, because theater is too important to me. Eventually, I hope to combine my love of theater with my teaching experience now by getting my Masters like I planned if I hadn’t gotten into TFA, but in this moment, riding the high of live musical theater and my road trip fever, two years feels like forever to be away from that world….and I keep wondering if I made the right call.
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I do the menu thing too! And I compare myself to other people constantly. And I NEVER feel like I’ve made the right decision. Sometimes I feel like it’s a personality type thing, but sometimes I feel (especially now, after reading your entry) like it’s this universal part of being a twenty-something, this constant trying-on of lifestyles and career paths. It’s completely bonkers.
P.S. American Idiot looks really cool, I can’t wait until it goes on Broadway.
meloogal´s last blog ..Why I’m a nerd
You sound like me–not wanting to choose but needing to choose. I’m at the point in my life, at age 40, when I want to try living a potpourri existence, making money writing, and taking pictures, and maybe singing with a band and perhaps doing PR consulting and maybe even selling jewelry.
The thing is that you made a commitment to this job, and two more years seems like a really long time, but in the scheme of things it isn’t. If you have any extra time, why can’t you get involved with local theater, or maybe bring plays into your classroom?
It’s never all or nothing unless you make it that way.
Also, the whole doubting yourself thing? Gets better when you hit about 40. What you’re doing now is exactly what everyone in their 20s does, even those people who seem so sure on their paths. For the most part? Big fakers.
lynn@human, being´s last blog ..Apparently, I should have read the directions
From the sound of it, if you’d gone the theater route you would have wondered if you should have done TFA. No?
I don’t mean this to sound as preachy as it inevitably will, but maybe instead of wondering about the what-ifs so much, you should just focus on the positives of your non-ifs. Of your present, that is. It’s a really hard thing for anyone to do, even if they don’t have GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome) but I think it’s a good habit to cultivate. I know I’m trying to.
Kristan´s last blog ..Frustration vs. discouragement
I’m an English teacher, and have been for 3 years. I think that we *all* have those days when we wonder if we should be doing what we’re doing—I know I do. CONSTANTLY. I have the Grass Is Greener Syndrome, too—so I can really relate. It’s tough. No advice, just my total sympathies. xo
but there are sites out there that give you credit. I found one at http://www.car-loans-for-bad-credit.com
A plague on both your houses
I will reccomend you to my collegues.
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