It also means I should have significantly less drama and angst in my life. When any of my friends or I am in a relationship, there are always so many questions – where is this relationship going? Why didn’t he call me today? Why did his voice sound so weird on the phone? Who is he texting all the time? Why is he hanging out alone with that girl he’s “only friends” with ALL THE TIME? Well, not all the time, but enough that is annoying and a thing and I’m going to ask questions about it, goddamnit! I mean…yeah, there are a lot of questions. And sometimes stress and angst, thus being single should be easy! Stress and question free! All Amanda All The Time!

But for some reason, for the last few months, it hasn’t been all easy. It has kind of sucked. And I know it’s sucky, not because being single is inherently sucky, but because I, on some level, am making it sucky for myself. It is sucky because I sulk about it to myself when I get asked these questions by my friends, when I see people holding hands or sitting on the same side of the booth at brunch (which, I mean, NO ONE SHOULD DO!! Just eat your eggs without getting handsy. It is not that hard), when I see stupid RomCom commercials and hear single girls behind me in CVS bitch about how Valentine’s Day isn’t fun for anyone because its about corporate greed and making single people sad! (Oh, CVS girls, you are just sooo original.) It’s sucky because I (horribly) have internalized that being single is somehow a reflection on my self worth, like it means that I am somehow less than a woman who is in a relationship and that no one wants me , not that I have yet to find anyone worthy of my awesomeness, which to be frank, is probably closer to the truth. (You are loving my humbleness right now….) I have grown up in a culture where, for girls, love is the goal, and since I have yet to attain it, I am somehow missing some big, important facet of my life and should be spending all my free time searching for it and sulking for not having it yet. It is even more sucky because I regularly deny to myself that all of the proceeding facts are true. I tell myself that I have actually truly internalized all the feminist literature I’ve read (and fully believe) and am totally happy with my awesomely independent life-style, but honestly, I still feel kind of sucky. It’s a terrible vicious cycle. I make myself feel sucky for being single and then feel sucky for feeling that way instead of feeling sassy and awesome and on and on and on.

BUT step 1 of my 2012 goal is to admit all of this, here on the internet, to try to begin breaking the cycle of sucky. I desperately want to fully enjoy being single because it is in so many ways, for me right now, the best possible thing. I need time and energy to focus on not failing at my job, on filling out grad school scholarship applications, and on finishing The Wire season 1. Plus, I need to spend as much time as possible with my amazingly awesome friends, who I will miss terribly come fall if I end up using those grad school scholarships and momentarily leaving LA. So, deep breath….new mantra: single is super not sucky.

Also, full disclosure, I will for the time being, be on E-Harmony, (Thanks enabling work friends who are also on E-harmony!) because single girls still like dates right? Right…

And then regular life starts again. I get up at 5:30 and by the time I get home at 6, all I want to do is curl up in my brand new, ridiculously comfy, adorably pink Victoria’s Secret robe (can you tell I’m excited about it?) and watch The West Wing online. Blogging kind of gets forgotten.

Last time this happened in August, the no-blogging cycle included distractions from intense amounts of stress, tears, and hair-tearing-out. This time, however,  my distractions includes time spent obsessing over text messages, photog-ing with some lovely blogger friends, and finally seeing Avatar in theaters, thus allowing me to once again join in on discussions of American film. Last time, the stresses and complications of life kept me from blogging, or at least, kept me blogging only posts that made my mom call me to ask if I was still alive. This time, I kind of don’t want to blog (and kind of can’t blog) about what’s going on in my life. I can’t really blog about work (laws about child safety and privacy and all) and I can’t blog about my personal life much, as well, it’s personal, lots of people I know in real life read this blog, and (stupidly) I don’t want to jinx things by spewing about them all over the internet.

And that is the sucky thing about this blog. I started it to get things out, get feedback, and free myself from some of my thoughts by sending them out into the abyss of the internet. Now, however, I can’t do that. I rarely talk about the things that are actually on my mind here. I have to wrack my brain to think of things to put on this thing, most of which have little to do with who I am at the moment or what is actually happening in my life.

Sometimes I wish I could start over anonymously, but sadly, I don’t think I have time to deal with the complication. It’s sad, though. It would make a pretty interesting blog.

For now, I’ll say, life is very good. Busy, still stressful and tiring, but actually, really, really good.

Oh, sorry. That was obnoxious. That was just me laughing at the mild ridiculousness of this question, the latest prompt form Gwen Bell’s Best of ’09 Challenge.

My biggest challenge? I’m living it this instant, surrouned by papers I should’ve graded weeks ago, a week from a huge school-wide exhibition my students are no where near ready for, wishing more than anything I could be watching the finale of Top Chef instead of slowly melting down in my room…..

What is my biggest challenge? Balance. I can’t seem to find it.

I put off work. I relax.

I feel guilty. I overwork.

I oversleep. I feel guilty. I work harder.

I snap at my students. I drink too much.

I undersleep. I drink too much coffee.

I get hyper. I have a good day. I think I have it figured out.

I break down. I have no idea what I’m doing.

I procrastinate. I cram. I overshedule.

I yell at my kids for not being on top of their shit. I laugh. I’m a hypocrite.

My biggest challenge? Getting up everyday knowing I’ll go to sleep with more to do. Figuring out how to live my life and do my job without failing at both.

I hope by next year my biggest challenge is something I know I can work through, because I’m having doubts about this one.

What I just can’t figure out is, how possible is all of this? Do the people who seem to have all the things I want really have them? Do they have jobs they love? Do they have time to take pictures, to decorate their homes for the holidays, hell, just to hang pictures on their walls? Do they have time to sit on their couches, sipping hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies without the threat of the impending work week hanging over them? Are these realistic things to hope for, or am I going to give up pretty good job after pretty good job hoping for something no one actually has?

My job is hard. It’s frustrating, and time consuming, and exhausting. It takes up most of my time. I don’t dislike it, though. In fact, most of the time, I like it. I do not like, however, that in the past four months, I have yet to find the time to hang pictures in my room. I do not like that I have yet to find time to upload and edit my pictures from Thanksgiving. I do not like that I feel guilty for going out last night, as it prevented me from getting as much work done today as I would’ve liked. I do not like that I get tired at 9-o-clock at night and that I have to leave my friends’ birthday parties early because if I stay, I will fall asleep on their couches. I do not like that my job makes me feel like if I’m not working 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I’m not doing enough. I do not like that I constantly feel inadequate. I do not like that my job feels like my life, when I know I am so much more than my job. Even though I like my job, are all these things that stand in the way of my true happiness enough to encourage me to actively seek out another job in two  years when my commitment is up? Or will another job come with the same problems and then some? Are these things that will follow me around no matter where I go?

I hate that I can’t just be content. I hate that I can’t appreciate the good things without letting the not so good creep in and piss me off. I hate that I’m constantly afraid I’ll never get the things I want or that I’ll spend my life settling for less than what will make me truly happy for fear that being truly happy is impossible.

I have no idea what I want my life to be like: what kind of person I want to be, what kind of person I want to be with, what kinds of things I want to do, what kinds of places I want to live. No fucking clue.

Awesome.

As I’ve become tired and had a few more bad days teaching – not that they’re all bad or that I’m not happy- I’ve wondered, and I really hate admitting this, but I have wondered if I made the right decision. Is this really what I want to be doing for the next two years? Would I be happier if I’d taken my other proposed path – staying in Boston, studying theater education, possibly working at my old theater job?

This weekend didn’t help. I spent most of the weekend driving back and forth between LA and Berkeley, as my friends and I took a quick road trip to see American Idiot at the Berkeley Repertory Theater. During the show, I almost started crying and not just because the show was phenomenal, which it most definitely was. (If you will be in the New York area next year, get tickets to see it on Broadway! I’m predicting it will be a hit. I mean, Green Day music PLUS the creative team behind Spring Awakening? What’s not to like?)

I got emotional and nostalgic because it reminded me how much I love theater and how much I miss being connected to it. Theater was my life growing up, and I definitely took my ridiculously amazing work-study job at the professional theater connected to my university for granted. I mean, I got free tickets to Broadway-caliber professional shows and got to spend my weekends hanging out with the cast of those shows…as my job. I had conversations about art and life, as well as boggle tournaments, with professional actors from all over the country while doing my homework, and I got paid for it. I mean, I definitely enjoy that my job now is much more challenging and, ultimately, more important that that job was, but I miss being around those kinds of people, I miss being around stage doors, and costume designers, and opening night parties, and overtures. I miss what I experienced this weekend, and I hate living in a town where that experienced is consistently undervalued.

And all that makes me think I’m not yet where I should be. I know I won’t be teaching forever, or at least, not teaching English forever, because theater is too important to me. Eventually, I hope to combine my love of theater with my teaching experience now by getting my Masters like I planned if I hadn’t gotten into TFA, but in this moment, riding the high of live musical theater and my road trip fever, two years feels like forever to be away from that world….and I keep wondering if I made the right call.

Mainly, I’m just tired. All. The. Time.

Things aren’t all bad. I definitely have good days. I have times when my kids make me laugh, when they do something fantastic, when my staff makes me feel amazingly smart, and when I look around at all these 14-year-old faces looking up at me and smile because I get to help them get to where they want to go…but right now, I’m definitely in the middle of survival mode, at least according to the “First Year of Teaching Timeline” TFA gave us all. I’m a little worried, because after survival mode is disillusionment, and I don’t think I could handle all this work on top of being seriously disillusioned.

Let’s think of some good things that happened this week: I got my FREE (yes FREE) membership to an uber fancy gym, Spectrum. I caught up on all my television. I ate Chipotle for lunch today. I finally got my next project (kind of) planned out. And that’s all I’ve got for now. Eh.
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I have, however, remembered how great it feels to be a normal person. In order to keep this feeling up, I’m going (attempt to) commit to finding time to do some things for my own sanity:

1) Work out! – I haven’t worked out since before Institute, which is horrifying on a number of levels. Jillian found this awesome dance/yoga studio within walking distance of our apartment, so I’m going to go to a class tomorrow. I’m hoping it goes well, because it would be super convenient, and it looks fun (and stress relieving!)

2) Actually Use my Camera – I’ve been looking longingly at my beautiful, sad, unused Nikon D90 for almost as long as I haven’t been working out. I can’t remember the last time I used it…oh wait, it was in Vegas! Ridiculous. I really miss just going out and finding awesome, little things to take pictures of. I’m going to try to out go at least once a week or once every two weeks and take some pictures. I doubt I’ll do anything with them, but just doing it should be relaxing.

3) Blog/Read Blogs – I’m done complaining about not blogging. I want to be able to process what’s going on in my life and record it in some way. I also don’t want to let all my blog friendships die a slow sad death. I’m going to start again. Seriously guys. Seriously.

Ok, I think that’s all I can add in to my life right now. My sanity is resting on my ability to find time to do these things, so pray for my success. Ok. Go.

If you aren’t an avid pageant watcher, and I’m SO sure most of you are, you may not have heard about the little controversy involving Miss USA judge Perez Hilton and runner-up Miss California. Basically, during the final portion of the competition, Perez asked Miss CA about gay marriage , an extremely topical and relevant question given all the controversy revolving around Prop 8 in her home state. Miss CA basically said “It’s great that we can choose to either support it or not in our country, but I choose not to support it.” (She also called heterosexual marriage “opposite marriage,” which alone would have made me question her qualifications, but that’s another post altogether.) 

I was a little annoyed at this, but definitely not angry, until I read some comments on this Entertainment Weekly PopWatch blog post about the incident - they are nauseating: People saying Perez was pushing his “homo agenda,” people saying that Miss CA spoke for the 70% of American’s who speak “the truth-the BIBLE,” which will win in the end, saying Perez was a “jerk for even asking this question especially because he’s a homosexual” (so because he’s gay, he isn’t allowed to ask question?) and comment after comment of unbelievable, hate-filled, homophobic trash. 

I tried to look past it, to chalk it up to internet craziness. Then, I turned on the Today Show to find Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb applauding this woman for “speaking her mind” and not being politlcally correct, something  many of the internet crazies were saying. Um…excuse me?! 

That is when I got angry. Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion and entitled to voice that opinion in their private lives, when they are speaking for and as themselves, but a contestant for a title like MISS USA is most certainly NOT allowed to promote hate, to stand for exclusion, and to tell a large segment (yes, it’s a “minority,” but it’s not just 5 people sitting in San Francisco - it’s MILLIONS of Americans) of the population that to her, and she means “no offense to anyone” (how kind of you!), that because how they were born, they don’t deserve to live with the same rights as all us “normal” people. America stands for free speech, but it most certainly does not stand for hate and inequality. Would we applaud a Miss USA contestant for saying she didn’t believe in interracial marriage or that all Jews and Muslims are going to hell for not believing in Jesus? Absolutely not, so why should we be expected to support a Miss USA contestant who is homophobic? 

It also pisses me off that people act like Perez asked some completely inapropriate question – it was probably one of the most topical questions of the night. Gay marriage laws were just passed in two states and were a major part of the last election in Miss CA’s home state. Just because Perez is gay himself doesn’t mean he should shy away from asking topical questions about gay marriage, and asking those tough questions doesn’t mean he is simply pushing his agenda. He was getting information on a timely issue from a contestant. He said he asked the eventual winner of the compeetition about the Federal Bailouts, an equally topical and difficult question to answer. He wasn’t attacking Miss CA. She sabatoged herself.

And to those saying he wanted her to lie or hide her values, Perez very smartly pointed out in his Larry King interview that she could have answered in a way that fell in line with her own views while not completely alienating gays and lesbians. He suggested she could have explained she thought it was up to the states to decide, and he too, went on to explain that just because her personal opinion is that gay marriage is wrong doesn’t mean she should express it as a contestant in a national pageant. Anyone in a public forum representing a company or an organization knows that sometimes personal opinions can’t be expressed in full. For example, a CEO might be a hate-filled anti-Semite, but he sure as hell isn’t going to stand up, representing his company, and say he hates Jews. It’s not OK. Period. And her answer was most certainly not OK. I don’t care if it’s what she believes: you cannot promote hate of gays in a world filled and supported by them – the pageant industry. That is all.