I’m tired of hearing my named called impatiently from across the room. I’m tired of making copies. I’m tired of grading papers I know could be better. I’m tired of repeating myself over, and over, and over again. I’m tired of saying things like “I’ll wait until you’re quiet,” and “I’m not saying any of this for my own benefit.” I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m tired of never having enough time. I’m tired of wish I could do more, yet not being able to physically do more. I’m tired of saying “No, I can’t. I have more work to do,” to my friends. I’m tired of not even being asked. I’m tired of being told I’m doing great, while never actually believing it. I’m tired of crying to my mom and putting on a smile for everyone else. I’m tired of spending hours working on something for my kids only to have them complain about it.

Mainly, I’m just tired. All. The. Time.

Things aren’t all bad. I definitely have good days. I have times when my kids make me laugh, when they do something fantastic, when my staff makes me feel amazingly smart, and when I look around at all these 14-year-old faces looking up at me and smile because I get to help them get to where they want to go…but right now, I’m definitely in the middle of survival mode, at least according to the “First Year of Teaching Timeline” TFA gave us all. I’m a little worried, because after survival mode is disillusionment, and I don’t think I could handle all this work on top of being seriously disillusioned.

Let’s think of some good things that happened this week: I got my FREE (yes FREE) membership to an uber fancy gym, Spectrum. I caught up on all my television. I ate Chipotle for lunch today. I finally got my next project (kind of) planned out. And that’s all I’ve got for now. Eh.
:

This weekend, I somehow didn’t have that much work to do once I sat down to do it. I’m not sure how I this happened, if it is a sign of to things to come or just a happy coincidence, but because of it, this weekend, I actually had time to go to a party, throw a party, have lunch with my sister, lounge by the pool, read outside, watch six episodes of Freaks and Geeks with Grace, and eat ice cream with Jillian. I’m kind of nervous, though, because I feel like maybe I should’ve done more, like I got sucked into the mindset of the three day weekend and didn’t do nearly enough to prepare for the rest of the week.

I have, however, remembered how great it feels to be a normal person. In order to keep this feeling up, I’m going (attempt to) commit to finding time to do some things for my own sanity:

1) Work out! – I haven’t worked out since before Institute, which is horrifying on a number of levels. Jillian found this awesome dance/yoga studio within walking distance of our apartment, so I’m going to go to a class tomorrow. I’m hoping it goes well, because it would be super convenient, and it looks fun (and stress relieving!)

2) Actually Use my Camera – I’ve been looking longingly at my beautiful, sad, unused Nikon D90 for almost as long as I haven’t been working out. I can’t remember the last time I used it…oh wait, it was in Vegas! Ridiculous. I really miss just going out and finding awesome, little things to take pictures of. I’m going to try to out go at least once a week or once every two weeks and take some pictures. I doubt I’ll do anything with them, but just doing it should be relaxing.

3) Blog/Read Blogs – I’m done complaining about not blogging. I want to be able to process what’s going on in my life and record it in some way. I also don’t want to let all my blog friendships die a slow sad death. I’m going to start again. Seriously guys. Seriously.

Ok, I think that’s all I can add in to my life right now. My sanity is resting on my ability to find time to do these things, so pray for my success. Ok. Go.

I want to blog. I really do. It’s just the last thing i think about every day. It’s at the end of my never-ending to-do list, and thus, I never get to it. I want to. I really do. I just want to sleep too. I want to be able to teach my kids a mildly interesting lesson, which means I want to take the time to write an interesting lesson plan. I want to watch Greek and Glee. I want to see my sister and call my mom. I want to talk with my roommates and do my laundry. I want to get to school early to finish my copies, and I want to stay at school late to help my students who are behind. I want to go in on weekends to organize my library and write out a kick-ass unit plan. I want to get my car checked and go to the doctor and the dmv. I want to go to happy-hour with other TFA-ers and bitch about all the things I want to do, but can’t, because when you get up at 5AM, get home at 6:30 and are standing and talking for all that time in between, doing all of those things seems (and basically is) next to impossible.

So…that is my excuse. That is my mea culpa. I’m tired and busy and sad that I’m not keeping up with everyone online or even keeping up with myself. I’m told it will get easier. I’ll adjust to the sleep schedule. I’ll set up an organization system that works. I won’t wake up some mornings wondering how in the hell I’m going to get through the day. I won’t be close to tears on the phone with my mom as my students start coming in the door.

No, things aren’t that bad. My kids are ridiculously fantastic. They’ve already done some great work, but I’ve also seen how much I have to do with them to get them where they need to be. We went on an overnight as a school last week, and while it was a tiring 30 hour trip, our school has such a community now. The people I’m working with are phenomenal, smart, dedicated professionals. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better situation, but still….it it’s so hard. It is so ridiculously hard.

Things I was going to Twitter because I’ve been too busy to blog, but then didn’t even Twitter, because I’m apparently also too busy to Twitter:

- Remember that time I thought I was going to be a normal person after Institute? Hah. Yeah, that was adorable. I’m lengthening that statement to “two years or until I leave the education profession.”

- You know you live in LA when your friends text you that they are going to a bar and then an hour later, Paige from “Degrassi Goes Hollywood” walks into that bar.

- The other day, my “check engine” light came on. I’ve yet to do anything about it except yell, “I don’t have time to deal with your problems, Prius!”

- My friends were all complaining about how annoying their jobs were. All I could add was that my Executive Director (he’s above the principal at my school) pulled me aside to tell me how good my classroom looks. Win.

- It’s really hard to explain to my friends why at 2AM, I’m pretty anxious (read: angry about not getting) to go home and sleep, but also why I don’t mind getting up at 7AM on a Saturday to go to work.

I think that’s it. There are about 8,000 posts I’ve written in my mind about how scared I am about Tuesday (aka THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) about how EFFING AMAZING my school and staff is, about how I actually love my job (so far…fingers crossed), and how for the first time, I never walk into work thinking, “I really don’t want to be here today,” but it’s hard to prioritize blogging over things like, oh, actually planning out my class, or sleeping, or seeing my friends every once in a while.

It’s frustrating though, because I so wish I was documenting all the things that are happening. I hope I can find the time. I want to remember this.

I’m alive. I promise. This weekend, after staying up for 24 hours on Friday (not. ok.), I started the week feeling like the three weeks I had left of Institute would be ENDLESS. ENDLESS I tell you!

However, after getting the afternoon off yesterday (Happy TFA Day!), which then allowed me to get four hours of sleep from 7 until 11:30 before I drove across town to a midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with Stephanie before returning home at 4 to get two more hours of sleep, and after finishing three lesson plans tonight without breaking a sweat (and before 10:00PM!), I’m feeling like the two weeks and 2 days of Institute I have left are totally manageable. Especially since tomorrow at this time, I’ll be rocking out to Kris Allen, Adam Lambert, and Allison Iraheta at the American Idol concert…..andagainonSaturday.

Yes, I am going to the American Idol concert twice. And yes, I am aware that the do-gooders here at TFA probably judge and don’t understand my pop culture obbsesions. I know in my heart, though, that the fact that I’m going twice is just the consequence of a weird set of circumstances that involved me not thinking I could make the LA show, buying tickets to the San Diego show instead, and then finding out I could go to the LA show….but I digress.

The seeing HP and the seeing Kris Allen are the things that are keeping me sane and allowing me to plow through these last two weeks. I went into this thing telling myself that I would not change. I would not let TFA consume my life. I would not burn out by pushing away the things I love and becoming scary-serious-sanctimonious chick. I do want to give all I can to my new job, but not at the expense of my life. So…yeah, no guilt. And I won’t complain if I’m tired, which surprisingly after last night’s weird split up sleep situation, I’m not. (I still got 7 hours of sleep, which sadly, is more than I’ve been getting on a regular basis) Although, this post is sounding more and more like I am super tired. Or like I’m drugged.

Whatevs. The whole point is I’m alive. I’m going to make it through Institute, and I’m going to allow myself to have some fun along the way. The end. Good night.

“We are going to watch a video clip about investing your students from Justin Meli’s class. He’s a little bit TF Famous” – My Curriculum Specialist

“No! Don’t take the dinosaur subtraction! Not the dinosaur subtraction! He’s taking it!” – Justin Meli to his 3rd grader, who happily skipped away with extra subtraction homework.

“What’s the smart student motto?”
“WORK HARD. GET SMART. OOO! OOO!” – Justin Meli’s 3rd Grade class

“What is ‘Team All-Star’ in another language?”
“How did we go from ‘Let’s finish this lesson plan!’ to ‘What is All-Star in Spanish?’” – My co-lab (aka teaching partners) trying to think of a team name (and generally being mini-lesson planning all-stars)

Institute is mostly challenging and kind of stressful….but sometimes, it’s just funny.

Maybe you had to be there. Or maybe I’m just sleep-deprived.

And so LA Induction is over. It’s hard to believe I’ve only been here a week. There are already so many little cliques in the LA corps, and I already have some awesome new friends.

The rest of the week here in LA was solid – we had more info panels about TFA’s corps values and all that jazz. We had a night out at Lucky Strike, and I took one of my new friends out to WeHo to see Grace and check out the area. There was some drama over credentialing programs (it looks like I’ll be going to UCLA. What up, Bruins?!), and a slew of mildly unappetizing food, but overall, it’s been a positive introduction to TFA.

While Induction was good, the highlight of my week was definitely Wednesday and Thursday. Another TFA-er (we’ll call him TT as he is also now my Team Teacher, and I’m feeling like maybe I should code this blog when it comes to work related things…) and I headed down to our school to meet our staff and join them for training at an amazing charter high school in San Diego. The second we pulled up in front of the colorful building and saw everyone standing in the parking lot, I knew I was set – my school was going to be something amazing. Everyone was immediately welcoming, and the energy of the staff was ridiculous.

Over the next two days (TT and I had to leave early, sadly enough, to get back for TFA stuff…) I sat in on some amazing sessions on reading, project-based learning, creating a team culture in your classroom, and planning. Our team met to talk about where we want our students to be and to brain-storm project ideas, and we got a mini-tour of the school. The best part, though, was when we got back to the two houses they rented out in La Jolla for the whole staff. We played vollyball. Our assistant principals made us a ridiculous dinner. We learned our personality colors and battled via posterboard about whose group was best. The “young” crowd (TT, an ’07 corps member who is our resource/special ed teacher, and another recent grad schooler, JC – who is a giant ray of sunshine and the only female on the engineering side of the school) stayed up until midnight watching You Tube videos and just talking. It was so relaxed, so welcoming, and so…fun. The group is amazingly well rounded, with TFA-ers, recent grad school grads, and veteran teachers, many of whom used to be instructional coaches. I do not think I could be in a better position going into my first year of teaching. Any time I asked a question, it turned into a half an hour discussion with advice, ideas, and support. One of the VP’s came up to me and made sure to tell me that we are all new at this school and to project-based learning, to make sure I didn’t feel overwhelmed. We laughed and planned, and I honestly didn’t want to leave.

Sadly, TT and I had to drive back Thursday afternoon, after finding out we will be team teaching (we’ll have the same 60 students – as each student only has two core teachers), so we can plan together all summer at Institute. After bonding over our mutual feelings on TFA and getting some brainstorming done on the drive back, we stopped by the school, as I’d never been inside, and our principal insisted we go look at our classrooms. We walked through the hallways and into the courtyard where our rooms are. (Side note: how weird are California schools, with their outdoor walkways and classrooms that open directly to the outside?!) As we walked up to the building, I saw that there was a sign on my door that said “Ms. B(restoflastname)” (Sorry, internet paranoia setting in!) My heart literally stopped. This whole teaching suddenly clicked and was real. I’m going to be a teacher. All these kids are coming to this new school full of (I hope!) excitement and possibly fear, with expectations and wishes for high school, and I’m the one who has to teach them, who is going to be school for them. I really hope I can live up to those expectation.

For the last few days, I’ve been essentially stranded at my grandparent’s house in San Diego, my car sitting outside, taunting me, unable to be driven due to an out-of-date license plate. While waiting for my new license plate to arrive, I’ve been attempting to make the most out of my free time – scheduling doctor’s appointments and apartment viewings for next week, editing three week old pictures, shopping for “professional” clothes at Target (10 shirts for $90? Yes, please!), watching inordinate amounts of television.

Luckily, my good friend, Nick, lives in the area, so I stalked him until we figured out when we could meet up for dinner. Nick and I met my freshman year of college, as we both lived on the same crazy dorm floor, and we became pretty quick friends. Sadly, he transferred back to CA our freshman year (he wasn’t such a fan of snow), but I’ve seen him every time I’ve come to Cali since.

He is one of those friends I instantly fall back in step with, even though I haven’t seen him for a year. I honestly laugh harder with him than I do with anyone else. We went and got some ridiculously delicious (and cheap!) sushi – Nick blamed me for not noticing he got rice all over his shirt while I warded off our six waiters who kept offering me extra miso soup. We went over his semester in DC, my trip to Australia, his crazy boss’s roommate situation (which he is privy to working out of his boss’s living room), the screaming children I snapped photos of…everything.

After dinner, we, of course, had to pop over to the nearby Pinkberry, since I haven’t had any since returning to California. While enjoying my granola and chocolate chip covered yogurt, I looked at Nick and suddenly exclaimed, “Oh my god, Nick! We’ve known each other for FOUR years!” I keep having these time related revelations lately. I know four years isn’t that long of a time period, but for me, who moved every five years and who rarely keeps in close contact with friends for much longer than that, it seems like a long time to still have this kind of connection with someone. Plus, he’s my college friend. They are supposed to be my new friends! Nick knew exactly what I meant – we are done with college. It’s just life now. My college friends are now going to be my older friends, replacing my high school friends as the ones I reminisce about old times with. We kept referring to the last few months as last semester, until we each corrected each other – there are no semesters now! Just months and years and time. It’s crazy

Despite the madness of the revelations and feeling old, Nick and I had a great evening. I love my grandparents, and I’m having a surprisingly nice time with them this week, but it was nice to get out with a friend, eat some sushi, and talk about the crazy people who ride the bus, TLC’s amazing reality programming (“You have to watch Woman with the Giant Legs!”), and failing at quitting jobs that you hate.

Things are going well. Eerrily well. I mean, not at the moment. Today kind of sucked. I had to work while both of my bosses dealt with their boss, their bosses boss, and like 8 other people from “home office” visiting and ended up staying three hours later than I was supposed to because I was supposed to be at home packing up my car to get picked up and shipped across the country tomorrow….but I digress. This isn’t about the goodness or badness of today. This is about the general state of my life….which is good. 

Let me explain. About a month ago, I got an email from TFA saying I was going to have a phone interview for a charter school in LA. After going through an interview prep call, I found out what school I would be interviewing with and promptly read their entire website. It looked good. Too good. It’s a brand new school. It’s vision reads like a paper I wrote in my Politics of Education class about how I thought schools should run. The staff seems young, energetic, and super smart. I got nervous…and excited. But mostly nervous. I’d never get the job. It would just be there taunting me while I worked in my crumbling building with an unsupportive staff. A few days after I read the website, I had a phone interview with the principal. She told me after hour 30 minute conversation, and I quote, “frankly, you blow most of the candidates I’ve talked to out of the water.” Then I got a little more excited. She asked me to tape myself giving a 10-15 minute lesson. I had to give it to my parents. It was….awkward. But good. I think. I sent that to her and waited. After a week of hearing nothing, I thought that was it. To the TFA hiring fair! Then she finally emailed to tell me I’d be getting called by another teacher at the school. I talked to her. It, again, went freakishly well. I could see myself working with these people. Then I got more nervous. She told me I’d have to talk to ANOTHER teacher – apparently they had a big hiring symposium where people talked to the faculty, staff, AND parents of the new school, so I think maybe I was getting off kind of easy. Soon, I talked to that last teacher, and again, had a ridiculously good conversation. Then I waited and waited and waited some more, happy that I knew I couldn’t have done any better, but worried because after three conversations and one fake lesson given to my parents in my dad’s office, I was invested. I really really really wanted this job. Then the executive director of the school called me. And he offered me the job. And I jumped up and down a bit. 

So….that’s good. I’m moving to LA with a job, a job I’m excited about and feel qualified for and ready to tackle. 

Then, in case you haven’t heard, I’m going to VEGAS this weekend! It’s going to be relaxing and exciting and fun and SUNNY and even though it’s making packing a bitch, I’m stoked to put real faces to names and voices and make some new friends. 

Then after two weeks in LA gallivanting with my friends AND my high school BFF Kaitlin, I’ll be starting TFA training, which will be intense, BUT what’s getting me through are my newly purchased tickets to see American Idols Live (because, apparently, I’m 12 and obsessed with a married guy and his gay best friend) with my sister in San Diego. I’m so excited I’m thinking of making a countdown to hang in my room at Institute, just so the smartest do-gooders in America can know I’m a fan-girl crazy person, judge me, and move on quickly. We also may be wearing self-made t-shirts. Yep. 

So that is where I’m at right now. Packing for Vegas and My Life, which is slowly starting to come into focus in a very positive way, all the while geeking out over Kris and Adam. I think I’m OK with that. Well, I think I’m more than OK with it.

Sadly, I think the subject of this post could be about either of the two events that have been dominating my time/mind lately: my graduation from college and *hangs head in shame* the American Idol finale. Discussion of the latter subject will have to wait, as I’m sure there are enough people on the internet debating the showdown of the “guy-next-door” versus the “guy-liner.” (Oh Seacrest, where will my Tuesday nights be without your witty punnings…). Yes, the internet certainly doesn’t need another thousand words about how Kris, despite what Simon Cowell wants you to think, is incredibly talented, interesting, and entertaining, and about how it’s possible for both Adam and Kris to be successful, and how Idol producers got a big Eff You from the American people and, and…*breathes deeply* Yes, clearly, I’m focusing on more important things in my life. Graduation. Yes. That. Let’s recap: 

Two weeks ago I headed into Boston for probably the last time in a while. That fact has yet to sink in. I probably won’t be back to Boston for at least a year or two. *Deep breath* Ok, continuing…the first part of my week there was dominated by Senior Week events. Saturday, Jillian and I headed to Martha’s Vineyard for a rainy day excursion. Highlights of the day included eating at a ridiculously cute diner right out of “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives” and seeing this: 

The other events were all essentially drinking parties in various “exciting” locales. First up was a beach party in Quincy, MA, which was really just an excuse to get us all to ride on school buses one last time and have a large dance party. 

 

The next event was a Habor Cruise which should really be labled awkard encounters at a party you can’t leave, as that is really what it is. Luckily, there was ample space for dancing to forget the awkwardness, and I got to wear my fierce new green dress.

All in all, the night was a success for nothing else than for allowing me (and pretty much everyone on board) to break out into a rousing rendition of “I’m on a Boat” at least once.

 

 

Later in the week, I got to start checking off items on my “Things I Always Wanted to do in Boston” list. First up was going on the Sam Adams Brewery tour. Our tour guide was super fun, and not just because she gave us three glasses of free beer, PLUS a free glass! 

Surprisingly, one of my favorite events was the COM (That would be the College of Communications) reception, as most of my friends throughout college were in COM, since I lived on a COM floor my freshman year and most of my classes have been populated by the Communications crowd. I saw and talked to a ton of people I haven’t talked to in forever, realized even more people I know are moving to LA, and caught up with one of my best friends who is doing Philadelphia Teaching Fellows next year, who promised we could swap war stories next year and start our own Charter School in two, which will be named after some Arrested Development quote as that is all we talk about most of the time. 

Friday, my family descended on Boston. Stephanie arrived super early on the red eye. Her friend from grad school, Jenny, came later in the afternoon, followed by my parents and grandparents. We all hung out Friday night, me taking pictures of everyone else playing street baseball. (I guess I should note here that I have three cousins between the ages of 6 and 9 that live in Boston. It wasn’t just my grandparents playing t-ball.) It was like something out of an adorable suburban movie. 

Saturday, we did the final touristy thing I’ve been dying to do since I got to Boston: the Duck Tour! It was epic, of course. We heckled people from out hot pink boat, and I got to drive in the Charles River. Cheesey fun was had by all. (Pictures are coming, and will most likely go on my photoblog. All the the pictures on here are from my point and shoot. Duck Boat pictures, obviously, required the DSLR.)

Saturday night, we headed out to my favorite restaurant in Jamaica Plains for my final celebratory dinner. We got cupcakes from Sweet (again, photos on my other camera have yet to be uploaded….), and everyone toasted to me, as I toasted to my family in Boston for being amazing these last few years, and everyone got full of off a crazy good meal. 

Sunday was…surreal. Putting on my cap and gown, I felt like a fake. College graduates are old. They are adults. They don’t scream and fall on the floor when their favorite Idol contestant wins. (Yes, that happened, followed by my yelling “You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me!” when an emergency alert came on 10 seconds later.) They don’t sing at the top of their lungs to Miley Cyrus every time they get in their car. They have jobs and houses and *gulp* families. Yes, I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but this is my last milestone before things like “marriage,” “kids,” and..ugh….bills. I don’t feel old. I don’t feel like an adult. So sitting there in that cap and gown thinking about how long ago the last time I donned one of these ridiculous outfits seems yet how fast it all went. The actual ceremonies were surprisingly great. At the COM ceremony, I realized how many people I actually knew in school and got completely weirded out by seeing them all in cap and gown. We had a speaker from the TV industry, which to all us TV and Film kids was a ridiculous shock after four years of having Journalism and PR shoved down our throats (and being pointed to the basement of the arena for line-up.) The speaker for the undergraduates reminded us all about our first class in college, and I flashed back to the day I received my first C ever, in that very class, and cried about it for days and the amazing feeling I got when I ended up with an A- in the class. Ah, memories. Then I walked up on stage, shook my department chair’s hand, and got my diploma folder. 

After a ridiculously quick bite to eat at U Burger (oh, U Burger french fries….I think I’ll miss you most of all…) I met up with Jillian to line up for the big, all-university commencement. It was madness. Larry Bird AND Steven Speilberg were awarded honorary degrees. Our Congressmen, Mike Capuano, gave an excellent speech that started by giving a verbal beat down to all the haters and complainers that seem to flock to BU in huge numbers for bitching about how uncool our commencement speaker was. Afterwards, I filed out with thousands of my fellow new alumni, gave Jillian a huge hug, and left the BU campus with my parents for an indefinite period of time for the first time since I was 18. 

So…I’m done with college. I know (kind of) what the next two years of my life hold for me, but after that, who the heck knows. It’s weird that my life now has nothing guiding it, nothing organizing it, nothing saying this is where you should be at this age: there is just me, making decisions, living my life, doing what I can and what I want. It definitely hasn’t sunk in yet. 

(And now, even though I liked my commencement speaker a lot, I’ll leave with you Ellen’s message for the class of 2009, because she’s awesome.)