Things are going well. Eerrily well. I mean, not at the moment. Today kind of sucked. I had to work while both of my bosses dealt with their boss, their bosses boss, and like 8 other people from “home office” visiting and ended up staying three hours later than I was supposed to because I was supposed to be at home packing up my car to get picked up and shipped across the country tomorrow….but I digress. This isn’t about the goodness or badness of today. This is about the general state of my life….which is good. 

Let me explain. About a month ago, I got an email from TFA saying I was going to have a phone interview for a charter school in LA. After going through an interview prep call, I found out what school I would be interviewing with and promptly read their entire website. It looked good. Too good. It’s a brand new school. It’s vision reads like a paper I wrote in my Politics of Education class about how I thought schools should run. The staff seems young, energetic, and super smart. I got nervous…and excited. But mostly nervous. I’d never get the job. It would just be there taunting me while I worked in my crumbling building with an unsupportive staff. A few days after I read the website, I had a phone interview with the principal. She told me after hour 30 minute conversation, and I quote, “frankly, you blow most of the candidates I’ve talked to out of the water.” Then I got a little more excited. She asked me to tape myself giving a 10-15 minute lesson. I had to give it to my parents. It was….awkward. But good. I think. I sent that to her and waited. After a week of hearing nothing, I thought that was it. To the TFA hiring fair! Then she finally emailed to tell me I’d be getting called by another teacher at the school. I talked to her. It, again, went freakishly well. I could see myself working with these people. Then I got more nervous. She told me I’d have to talk to ANOTHER teacher – apparently they had a big hiring symposium where people talked to the faculty, staff, AND parents of the new school, so I think maybe I was getting off kind of easy. Soon, I talked to that last teacher, and again, had a ridiculously good conversation. Then I waited and waited and waited some more, happy that I knew I couldn’t have done any better, but worried because after three conversations and one fake lesson given to my parents in my dad’s office, I was invested. I really really really wanted this job. Then the executive director of the school called me. And he offered me the job. And I jumped up and down a bit. 

So….that’s good. I’m moving to LA with a job, a job I’m excited about and feel qualified for and ready to tackle. 

Then, in case you haven’t heard, I’m going to VEGAS this weekend! It’s going to be relaxing and exciting and fun and SUNNY and even though it’s making packing a bitch, I’m stoked to put real faces to names and voices and make some new friends. 

Then after two weeks in LA gallivanting with my friends AND my high school BFF Kaitlin, I’ll be starting TFA training, which will be intense, BUT what’s getting me through are my newly purchased tickets to see American Idols Live (because, apparently, I’m 12 and obsessed with a married guy and his gay best friend) with my sister in San Diego. I’m so excited I’m thinking of making a countdown to hang in my room at Institute, just so the smartest do-gooders in America can know I’m a fan-girl crazy person, judge me, and move on quickly. We also may be wearing self-made t-shirts. Yep. 

So that is where I’m at right now. Packing for Vegas and My Life, which is slowly starting to come into focus in a very positive way, all the while geeking out over Kris and Adam. I think I’m OK with that. Well, I think I’m more than OK with it.

Monday, the honeymoon period with this time of unemployment officially ended. I’ve started feeling useless, bored, and unmotivated. I’m not quite sure what brought it on. I’m thinking it’s a mixture of realizing I no longer have enough time before moving to LA June to get a part-time job without feeling guilty when I leave (after I will have asked off for a trip or two AND for senior week/graduation) and finding out I failed one of the teacher credentialing tests in California. 

I keep telling myself to stop complaining about these next few months of nothingness. I’m SO lucky to have a job at all in June, so that I don’t need a job right now, so that I can sit around bored without feeling guilty about it. But I can’t stop feeling guilty about my lack of working. I feel like a drain on my family, even though I’ve done everything right up to this point. I graduated early to save money. I’m living at home to save money. I worked hard and guaranteed myself a job (with good pay AND health benefits) for the next two years! I should just enjoy this time, but that’s not the kind of person I am. If I’m not contributing right now, I feel bad spending money right now, no matter what I’ve done in the past or will do in the future. 

Also not me is this lack of…anything. I need goals and schedules. I need places to go. I need projects, and I have none. I could force myself to read some teaching books, but that isn’t enough to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. When I agreed to graduate early, I never expected to be in a situation like this. In my mind,  I thought I’d get a part time job to save money and enable me to take some guilt free trips to Boston to see my friends (and thus not feel like I’m missing out on my last semester of college) and maybe finally get myself a DSLR that would keep me busy enough at home, thus making graduating early alright. Instead, I have no job, since no one around here is hiring (Thanks, Economy!), and thus, have guilt at the thought of traveling or doing ANYTHING that would waste money, even though, I shouldn’t feel guilty (see above). So I’m double bored, as having a job would enable me to have other things to do, and not having a job results in having nothing to do. This is all now exacerbated by the fact that I have to spend some time (and thus, money) in LA to retake the teaching test in March, taking away money AND time I could have used to get a job. 

Bah! Ok…no more rambling. I need to think of some things to be excited about: going to LA when my best friend happens to be visiting for Spring Break. The NJ/PA/DE meet-up (hopefully) next week. Getting a new computer soon (ish…this keeps getting pushed back…but I’m being POSITIVE. Postive. Postive. Positive.)

Sorry this post is all woe-is-me when things could be SO much worse, but it feels nice to get this out and not just rant about it to my mom, who just tells me not to feel bad, which I wish I could do. 

Tomorrow, I’m going to try to write up my You Inspire Me post. That’s a good goal for the day, right? Right.

I promise the next installment of my trip recap is coming. I’ve been working on one, but I get too detailed, then I get nostalgic, then I get busy cooking, and it somehow gets put on the metaphorical back burner behind making 50 won tons for dinner. 

I do have other things to report in my current life, though. It’s looking like, for now, I’ll be staying at home for a little while. The thought of packing and “moving” back to Boston for the few months before graduation, right now, is nauseating after my month of travel and suitcase living, not to mention my numerous moves over the past four years. To combat the boredom I know is coming, however, I’ve undertaken some projects.

The first is weight loss. Inspired by some real-life friends and stealing ideas from Jen, I signed up for Weight Watchers Online. I always say I want to lose weight, but something else always take precedence, like school and friends, you know, little things. Now, however, the only job I’ll have will be stress-free, I assume, and I have access to free food and a free gym, so why shouldn’t I take advantage? Plus, I don’t really try hard to eat super well, yet I’m not really overweight, so if I put in some effort, I think I can knock off a few pounds. I’ve been on it for two days, and it’s been tough. I snack ALL THE TIME. Anyone who knows me knows Goldfish Crackers are my life, so that’s been the toughest thing to cut out. All those little fish add up to points I can’t part with. Also tough: working out yesterday for the first time in a month. I almost passed out in a kickboxing class, and today I could barely get out of bed I was so sore. I’m trying a different class tomorrow, but now I’m determined to get through a kickboxing class, just because it so kicked my ass. I’ll definitely keep you updated. 

Another bandwagon I’m a little ashamed to have jumped on: Twilight. I got a gift card to Barnes and Noble from my cousin for Christmas, and I saw the massive display of Twilight stuff  yesterday, and outwardly reasoning that if I’m going to be teaching middle schoolers English soon, I should see what they’re interested in (this was achieved by buying a book recommended by TFA called The Art of Teaching Reading as well), but really just wanting to be able to know what all those posts about Edward Cullen were gushing about, I picked up the first book. I’m already 100 pages in, and all I’ll say at this point is that it’s much better than the movie, which did not impress me. I get sucked pretty easily into books, so I’m not expecting to be above the craziness. Again, I’ll keep you updated. 

So that’s all in my normal life for now. I’m currently looking for a job, but nothing’s happened so far. I’m definitely not complaining. So far, I’m enjoying the rest. I mean, today, I get to sit home all day and watch inauguration coverage, which, by the way, is INSANE. Has there ever been an inauguration people were this genuinely excited about? It’s amazing and inspiring and exciting that people are this hopeful and happy about one of our leaders. Even if you don’t like Obama, you have to acknowledge that what he’s done for so many people in the country and for the general feeling in the country is fantastic. That being said, I’ve never disliked Bush as a person, and right now, I’m kind of happy for him. I feel like he is probably so relieved to be done. Now he can go hang out on his ranch, clear his brush, and no one can say anything to him about it. In that way, I feel like we share a nice little connection. We’re both taking a break after a lot of hard work. Mine  may have not have been as serious, but you know what I mean….

This  morning I got up early to go to visit the KIPP Academy in Lynn with some other recently accepted TFA corps members and a Boston area recruiter. 

The school looked unassuming. It’s basically a converted church with some modular (trailer like) classrooms surrounding the building. You walk in and there are some murals on the wall, but there is definitely not money pumping into this school. 

Then we walked into a classroom, and my jaw dropped. Every kid was silent, sitting up straight, and appeared to be actively listening to the teacher. When the teacher asked a question, every hand shot up in the air. (Granted, it’s part of their system that every child raises their hand with one, two or three fingers raised, indicating how confident they are in answering, but still, they were all participating.) The room (and every room we went into subsequently) was adorned with sayings like “Every student will learn,” and the school’s motto, “Work hard. Be nice.” We walked into another room where a student was reading a story for the class, and when he got done, every child, after sitting silently and listening to him, burst into applause. In another room, kids were in a number of small groups looking at cells in a microscope and drawing what they saw. Again, there was silence, even as they milled around the room. Even as the kids walked through the halls to lunch, they were in perfect lines following their teachers, not a one out of line. 

We talked to a number of the teachers who were TFA alums (over half the faculty is made up of TFA-ers), and each of them said the school culture was responsible for it all. Students come in the summer before their fifth grade year and learn the rules and expectations of the school, and from what I saw, most of them were meeting those expectations. (And the ones who hadn’t that day, we saw head into lunch detention.) The biggest thing to note is that these are not necessarily the “gifted” kids from the district. Kids are put into a lottery to get into KIPP, so theoretically, any school could achieve these kinds of results with their students. (The stats are staggering – if you are a minority student in Boston Public Schools, you have a 3% chance of graduating from college. If you attend KIPP, you have an 80% chance.) You set specific expectations, and these kids meet them. You don’t need exessive funding and high caliber technology. You need strong educators working towrads a specific goal and sharing that goal with their students.

We looked at a bulletin board filled with “Life Maps” the kids had created about their lives. Almost every one of them had a pit stop that said something to the effect of “I started KIPP Academy and started loving school.”  

One of the things that struck me too, was how weird it was to be in a middle school again after so long. I mean, I have such distinct, vivid memories of my middle school days, but being at a school like that now, it seems so different.  Also, it was creepy (and encouraging) to see teachers who looked about my age commanding the attention of a classroom of students. I mean, when you are a student, even the young teachers seem old, so it was hard to picture myself as one of them, but seeing those kinds of teachers now altered my perception a bit. I could totally see myself being them. 

When we walked out, one of the other girls asked if you could fall in love with a school in an hour, because she definitely had. I did too, and what made me most excited about the prospect of accepting TFA’s offer is that 30% of the LA TFA corps members teach in charter schools like this one. In fact, they place in LA’s KIPP academy. If I could get into a school with like-minded individuals like KIPP, I feel like I’d really be able to put all my efforts towards working with my students, rather than dealing with bureaucratic bullshit that comes with working in some of the larger public schools. Luckily, we fill out preference forms where I could make that preference known. 

So at this point, I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I want to accept, but accepting is still a scary thought. I told myself this morning I’d wait until I finished reading Relentless Pursuit, but I can’t imagine the last 50 pages are going to convince me not to do it, which is basically what would have to happen for me to reject the offer. I mean, after everything I’ve seen and been told, can I say no? 

I think what’s really sealed it for me is seeing myself in the corps members I’ve talked to, which is what scared me the most about my LA entertainment industry internships – I couldn’t see myself being one of the producer’s or executives. I just wasn’t like them. These teachers and TFA staffers are like me, and that is comforting. I know it will be hard and stressful, and I’m sure I’ll have days I hate my life and cry, but to be around people I relate to, doing something that is ultimately important is what I’ve been wanting and asking for. I can take a challenge, and I think I’ll take this one.

Yesterday, I had some time to kill before going to work, where I would sit around doing nothing, so I figured I might as well stop at the bookstore and pick something up to read. I’d been dying to read American Wife by Curits Sittenfeld, because I LOVED Prep, but when I got to the store, I remembered a book that was mentioned anytime I looked up LA – Teach for America. 

It’s called Relentless Pursuit: A Year in the Trenches with Teach for America, and it actually follows four ’05 corps members through their first year in the program. I hesitated before purchasing it, wondering if I really wanted to take in an account of what my life could be like – gritty, terrifying details and all (especially, as no matter how journalistic the author’s intentions may be, she is still writing a book and needs conflict, and I assume, tended to gravitate towards the more dramatic, compelling [and thus more frightening  me] stories.) Despite all that, I ended up buying it and reading it all last night and at work today. 

I was 100 pages in when a Program Director from the LA office called me last night. Unfortunately, 100 pages in, the ’05 corps members were deep into their “What the hell am I doing here?” phase, which may have colored the percentage I gave the PD when she asked what my odds were of accepting versus rejecting. (I told her I was about 80/20, when really,  I’m probably more 95/5.) She was extremely helpful, though, not pressuring me and really giving me all the information I asked for. I definitely felt better after talking to her. She told me the story of how she cried gonig to the airport to training, thinking “What if they made a mistake when they picked me? What if I’m not really cut out to do this?” Then, when she got to induction, the first thing the TFA staffer told them was “We didn’t make a mistake.” Then she said the same to me. 

Today, I got about 150 pages further in the book, as I actually do nothing at work, and am now into the stage where the corps members are seeing results. It’s uplifting after all the crap they’ve been through, but still tough to read. I mean, at this point, I feel like I can’t turn down the offer, but it’s so hard to say yes to something that I know at some point will cause me to say, “Why the hell did I sign up for this?”

To me, it feels like I have to choose between feeling underutilized, bored, and powerless and feeling challenged, stressed, and tired (all. the. time. according to most former corps members.) In the book, one of the male corps members who admitted to crying on the drive home some days said, even after all that, he still wouldn’t trade places with his friends, who, according to him, were working low level jobs as “glorified salesmen” and spent their days bored out of their minds. And right now, I’m feeling the same way, because my main complaint at every job I’ve had (besides camp) has been boredom and the feeling that I’m too smart to spend my day making copies and answering phones. Why would I turn down a job where I get to be in charge 95% of the time, where I get to lead a group of people, where I get to use every skill I’ve amassed over my life? Plus, there’s that whole job security thing. 

Tonight, 256 pages into the book, I went to the matriculation dinner, which was basically a free dinner at a delicious Italian restaurant with TFA alumni and the recently accepted, soon-to-be corps members. I really connected with a girl who taught 7th grade literacy in New York. We talked about her classroom management strategy, finding your teaching style, and what books her kids liked to read. (Unsurprisingly, they were all addicted to Twilight.) I could see myself in her, and I could see myself having the same struggles she described, but also the same successes. She helped me see myself doing this more clearly. I told her I wanted to teach middle school over high school, and she assured me that as that is rarely the case, I would probably get to teach middle school if I made my preference known. That helped calm my nerves about potentially being stuck in a class with 12th graders barely two years younger than me. 

Tomorrow, I have my last round of TFA investigation. I’m going on a school visit to a KIPP middle school outside the city. Hopefully, once I’m there, I will really be able to envision what my life would be like if I click that ominous “Accept Offer” button. I’m so close to being there, but I just want to be sure.

So, today I got a a rather interesting email. It went a little something like this:

“Dear Amanda,

I am pleased to extend you an offer to join the Teach For America 2009 corps! This offer to join Teach For America reflects both your outstanding accomplishments and your potential to move students to achieve. In order to secure your place in the 2009 corps, you must complete matriculation forms on the Applicant Center on or before Friday, December 5 at 5:00 p.m. ET.

Effecting dramatic, measurable gains in students’ academic achievement is an incredibly challenging pursuit given the obstacles facing students and teachers in our nation’s lowest income communities. You have demonstrated great potential to excel as a teacher despite these challenges and to ultimately assume great influence in our country. We now invite you to make this commitment and take our effort forward.

Congratulations again, and welcome to Teach For America.”

Of course, I immediatley logged on to see my regional placement, because that would be my deciding factor. And, in all ironies of ironies, it said this: 

“Congratulations! We are pleased to invite you to join the 2009 Teach For America corps and are excited to assign you to teach secondary English (grades 7-12) in Los Angeles.“

Yes. I’ve been assigned to go back to where my epiphany happened. A day after I had a hour long conversation with my mom about how I should just move to LA to try out the entertainment industry again. A day after I started making myself feel alright about just going there for the spring to see if I could make this film and tv thing work. I mean, I have a degree in it. Well, I will in a month and a half.  All of that happening in response to my growing suspicion that I bombed my TFA interview. Apparently not. 

I just got back from getting drinks with the 5 (out of 25!) people who were accepted from my school. It was really selective this year. That made me feel good. The other girls made me excited. They made me think I could do this. They made me think I’m probably going to do this. I mean…I feel weird saying no after the ridiculous application process. Maybe that’s their whole trick. God, I had decisions. I also hate not knowing what I’m doing with my life.   

Stay tuned for a possibly life changing decision by December 5th at the latest.

Hello? Remember me? The owner of this little space on the internet? Yeah, me, who has trouble prioritizing blogging over things like homework, actual work, seeing friends, and um…sleeping? Yeah, that’s me. *waves* 

I hate neglecting this blog, but I’ve been so busy, that I seem to not only always have something to do, but I also seem to always have two things to do, thus I always feel guilty no matter what I’m doing. What fun! Case in point, this weekend, my mom is coming to visit, which I’ve been excited about for a while, but it is also the weekend I planned to go see “Title of Show” with my friends in New York. Way to write things down, Amanda! So now, I have to find someone to take my place in New York, because I would feel like a total bitch ditching my mom to go see a show. Boo. 

But this week has been eventful in many ways. Some of which I shouldn’t really talk about here…but I might…eventually. Stay tuned. (Please note: this is a time I wish I was an anonymous blogger. I finally get good stories, and I have to censor them. Double boo.) 

So without further ado, I present to you….a bulleted list. (Get excited!)

This week I…

• Had a phone interview for Teach for America that I thought went alright. It wasn’t my best phone interview ever, but I definitely didn’t bomb. I was tentatively hopeful. Well, today I found out, I got invited to an in-person interview! It’s the final step of the whole admission process and consists of teaching a 5-minute lesson and a personal interview, among other things. The interview is in two weeks, so now on top of all my other fun school work, I get to think of things to teach other people. That’s a good thing, right? Right. 
• Had a fun girls night out. Jillian and I had a ridiculously delicious dinner at Tremont 647 in the South End. My dinner consisted of a mouthwatering flank steak with pistachio pesto, roasted vegetables and HUGE rosemary tater tots filled with fontina cheese. Yeah…it was insane. I also had this beautiful pink gin cocktail. It’s my new favorite thing, basically ever. We then had to waste some time before our friends got off work, so we decided to go up to Top of the Hub, the restaurant/bar at the top of the Prudential Building to get a drink and gawk at the view. It was beautiful, and as an added bonus, we got to ride down 52 flights with three middle-aged drunk women who claimed to look like Jackie O and asked us for cigarettes. They also remarked that we looked like sisters since we had the same hair color. Good times. The rest of the night was spent at various bars on Boylston, where I overheard many drunken 20-somethings discussing their financial portfolios. I felt mildly out of place, but I’d been drinking since 7, so I managed. 
• Went on a 1AM run to IHOP with my friends. I even got to drive there in a Blue Prius! My main hobby in LA was counting Prius’s as I drove to work (one time, I saw over 70 in a day, and on my way from San Diego to LA, I spotted OVER TWO HUNDRED!) It was like a dream come true – my life coming full circle. We also discovered IHOP is the place to be after 2AM, as its the only place open after 2. Damn Boston bars and their early closing times, not that we’d been at a bar. We’d just been hanging out…and decided to drive to IHOP. At one in the morning. I know what you’re thinking: you wish you could hang out with people as cool as my friends. 
• Bought an AMAZING winter coat. I had an hour off of work, decided it was freezing, and ran two blocks to the Shops at the Prudential Center for some power shopping. I hit (in ONE HOUR) 344, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Saks 5th Avenue, Gap, and Free People. I, of course, found a coat at the first store I went to (344), but had to check everywhere else to make sure they didn’t have anything better. They didn’t, so I ran back to grab the coat. I even got $25 off for being a student. Power shopping win! It’s soooo pretty, and I’ve been wearing non-stop, possibly even when sleeping. I wish I were joking. 

In my ongoing quest to take on every possible application process and look into every possible career choice for my future (that starts ever so soon), I’ve started looking into applying to Teach for America. If you don’t know, TFA is a non-profit organization that recruits and trains recent college grads to commit to teaching for two years in urban and rural schools in low socio-economic areas in an attempt to close the achievement gap in America. I’ve heard about it a lot, obivously as I took Politics of Education this summer, and it’s always sounded intriguing, but it’s been sounding even more intriguing after my (disenchanting) stint in the LA entertainment biz. 

My other plans also include applying to grad school for theater education, so this would obviously be an interesting step in the right direction. I mean, how hard could getting high schoolers to love drama be after teaching inner city kids to love 9th grade English? That’s what I thought.

The upsides of doing this include having a guaranteed, decently paying job for two years. I would have an instant network of friends and collegues wherever they sent me. I’d have an amazing, life-changing experience (if everything touted on the TFA website and in the informational meeting I just attended is true), and would gain valuble experience that would be more than a little useful to WHATEVER I choose to do afterwards. They have an amazing alumni network and various partnerships with businesses and grad schools to take advantage of, as well. 

The various downsides include, IT’S SO HARD (this sounds stupid, but really…it’s a freakin’ hard job.) I can only imagine how draining and difficult this job can be. I mean, I got stressed teaching drama at camp to middle-class Jewish kids. This would be a thousand times harder. Plus, there is the whole moving wherever they tell you to move thing (although, they tell you before you have to make a decision AND you get to rank where you’d want to be placed and they have a 98% rate of sending people to an area they requested.) I know I would be a good teacher under normal teacher circumstances, but I honestly fear I would buckle under this stress. I mean, this semester already gave me a cold. But I know, I KNOW, that at the end of this experience, I would feel amazing. I truly want a job where I am doing something and accomplishing something (see my rant about why I disliked one of my internships in LA). To be able to make even the tiniest impact on these kids lives would be unbelievably fulfilling. 

Lastly, isn’t this the time to do something big? Something crazy? Something you can’t do during any other time in your life? As much as I want to go to grad school for Theater Ed, I don’t know if I can jump right back into school, and there is no job that seems appealing to me right now. I’ve looked. I can’t stick myself in an office again, I just can’t. This would be an amazing experience. A hard experience, but an experience none the less. 

My basic plan for all of these things is to apply for many things and see what sticks. TFA has a deadline in January, which is also when the deadlines for grad school are, so January will be the “I’m unemplyed and applying to EVERYTHING” month. Fun times are clearly in my future. 

So have any of you ever thought of applying to TFA? Know anyone who has?