Everyone says being an adult kind of sucks. I accept that. I know paying bills, and dealing with insurance companies, and getting your car checked, and living on a budget aren’t fun but are neccessary parts of being an adult. I never expect my life to be all happy rainbows and freakishly adorable puppies. I do, however, hope to one day not dread Mondays. I do hope to one day have a job that doesn’t keep me from doing all the things I love to do guilt free. I do hope to have a fully decorated home and  possibly a living room that looks like this.

What I just can’t figure out is, how possible is all of this? Do the people who seem to have all the things I want really have them? Do they have jobs they love? Do they have time to take pictures, to decorate their homes for the holidays, hell, just to hang pictures on their walls? Do they have time to sit on their couches, sipping hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies without the threat of the impending work week hanging over them? Are these realistic things to hope for, or am I going to give up pretty good job after pretty good job hoping for something no one actually has?

My job is hard. It’s frustrating, and time consuming, and exhausting. It takes up most of my time. I don’t dislike it, though. In fact, most of the time, I like it. I do not like, however, that in the past four months, I have yet to find the time to hang pictures in my room. I do not like that I have yet to find time to upload and edit my pictures from Thanksgiving. I do not like that I feel guilty for going out last night, as it prevented me from getting as much work done today as I would’ve liked. I do not like that I get tired at 9-o-clock at night and that I have to leave my friends’ birthday parties early because if I stay, I will fall asleep on their couches. I do not like that my job makes me feel like if I’m not working 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I’m not doing enough. I do not like that I constantly feel inadequate. I do not like that my job feels like my life, when I know I am so much more than my job. Even though I like my job, are all these things that stand in the way of my true happiness enough to encourage me to actively seek out another job in two  years when my commitment is up? Or will another job come with the same problems and then some? Are these things that will follow me around no matter where I go?

I hate that I can’t just be content. I hate that I can’t appreciate the good things without letting the not so good creep in and piss me off. I hate that I’m constantly afraid I’ll never get the things I want or that I’ll spend my life settling for less than what will make me truly happy for fear that being truly happy is impossible.

And possibly life. At one point today, I was sitting in my new Prius (yes, it’s beautiful. It’s the ray of sunshine in my current cloud-covered life…) in the mall parking lot, in tears, on my “break” from work (you know, since the rest of the mall was closed, and I didn’t have time to drive anywhere by the time I discovered that, but I couldn’t possibly just walk about the store so…to the fuel-efficient sanctuary I went.)

So yeah…that was my day. And my night may or may not currently consist of Food Network, Goldfish crackers (during Passover, mind you, which I was doing SO WELL at keeping until I was forced by circumstance to eat at Chick-fil-A during another disastrous work break yesterday), and Manishevitz wine. Yes.

Because of how wonderfully cheery I’ve been these last few days, my whole attempt at NaBloPoMo has clearly failed. At least I got the failing out of the way early this time, unlike last November where I made it three weeks only to crumble in the last seven days. 

I might have to start some countdowns to get through the next few work-filled weeks. It’s about a month until Senior Week in Boston, which consists of some fancy outings to Martha’s Vineyard, Quincy, and Fenway Park. The week will then end with a long-awaited Duck Tour with my whole extended family (Parents, grand-parents, sister, sister’s friend, Uncle D, cousins…) which I am BEYOND excited about (as my friends and I said on numerous occasions we were going to go and NEVER DID!) and a dinner party in my honor, complete with Sweet Cupcakes. Then of course, the whole shebang ends with graduation. Woot. 

After that extravaganza, I have another month until the big move. It’s all finally starting to seem soon. I’m finally starting to feel ready. And now time will slow to a standstill. Of course.

The only excitement in my life this week has been my quest to make the famous Bakerella‘s cupcake pops. They looked adorable and mouthwatering, and I had to have some. Thus, I had to make some. Luckily, my mom, two of my aunts, and my grandmother all have birthdays around now, so we had a mini party on Sunday at my grandparents’ house, giving me the perfect opportunity to make a batch of these little suckers (get it…suckers, like lollipops…like cupcake pops….and I’m leaving in shame….) without the very frightening (and very real) possibility I would eat them all myself.

It was certainly a process. Friday I went and gathered all my supplies. (Luckily, my mom used to be an avid candy maker and knew what the best kind of chocolate would be for this venture…) and made my cake. Saturday, the real work began. First, I had to mix the cake and icing (without eating too much of the icing by itself) and form them into the shape of the cupcakes:

Next I had to cover the bottoms in milk chocolate (again, avoiding the eating all the supplies issue)

Then I had to dip the tops into blue candy/chocolate (I’m not sure what it is exactly, except delicious), then cover the tops in sprinkles and a little dark chocolate M+M. I was proud of how adorable they turned out.

They also made the sink look like this, which was a fun added bonus. (It’s like a party in the sink!)

AND, I’m extra proud of my organizational skills in keeping my kitchen looking like this rather than like an explosion of chocolate and sprinkles had hit the kitchen:

On Sunday, they looked adorable on the table at my grandparents’.

So, if you’ve got a spare 5 hours and a hankering for chocolate filled with cake and icing,  I definitely recommend these. My cousins ate three each and my dad and uncle (below) seemed to have fun with them, so I think they were a success.

Other than the cake pops, we had a really fun time with the family on Sunday. I think I sold my cousin on getting a Nikon camera after she walked around the party for an hour with mine. We also may have made plans to see the Hannah Montana movie together, as she is still in middle school and can be my beard to get into the movie without shame. (Not that I have any…I think I lost my ability to feel shame at the movies when I purchased my tickets to HSM3 for the third time.)

The rest of the weekend was spent car shopping with my mom. Every time we walk into a dealer, we have to explain that we need three cars in the next four months (one for my sister, one for me, one for Mom and Dad) and then have to wait as all the salesmen finishing battling to see who gets to walk us around the lot. We even had the owner of one dealership walk us around for a while. My personal dilemma right now is that I can afford to get a new car, but the new cars I want are all hybrids (because in CA, I’d get to drive in the HOV lane ALL THE TIME and if you live in CA, you know how AWESOME this would be, especially in traffic. Plus, less time out of my life pumping gas? Yes, please!), but of course, all the hybrids are way expensive, so I’d have to go used. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful to be having the option of either a new regular car or a used hybrid at all, but still, it’s a tough call.

Other than that, life has been pretty boring: working, watching ridiculous amounts of television on Monday nights (Last night my dad and I had to split up at 8 – he watched House upstairs as I watched the season premier Greek of in my room, all while our DVR taped Chuck, How I Met Your Mother, and Big Bang Theory. Then, of course, I have to watch Gossip Girl online. Is there really no other time ANY of these shows could be on?), and reading for TFA.  I’m debating (and I guess will have to decide to do by the end of the day) NaBloPoMo in April, since I’ve been slacking on the blogging front and could use some motivation. I guess we’ll see tomorrow.

Rather than go on some paragraphs long rant about how much I disklike this day, about how I’ve only ever had one decent Valentine’s day, about how my big plans for the night include making PW’s French Onion Soup for my parents and watching the Jo Bros take on SNL, and about how what I usually look forward to is getting a new pair of Victoria’s Secret pink sweat pants from my mom that I know aren’t coming this year…yeah, instead of talking about ALL that, I’ll just leave you with this. 

Monday, the honeymoon period with this time of unemployment officially ended. I’ve started feeling useless, bored, and unmotivated. I’m not quite sure what brought it on. I’m thinking it’s a mixture of realizing I no longer have enough time before moving to LA June to get a part-time job without feeling guilty when I leave (after I will have asked off for a trip or two AND for senior week/graduation) and finding out I failed one of the teacher credentialing tests in California. 

I keep telling myself to stop complaining about these next few months of nothingness. I’m SO lucky to have a job at all in June, so that I don’t need a job right now, so that I can sit around bored without feeling guilty about it. But I can’t stop feeling guilty about my lack of working. I feel like a drain on my family, even though I’ve done everything right up to this point. I graduated early to save money. I’m living at home to save money. I worked hard and guaranteed myself a job (with good pay AND health benefits) for the next two years! I should just enjoy this time, but that’s not the kind of person I am. If I’m not contributing right now, I feel bad spending money right now, no matter what I’ve done in the past or will do in the future. 

Also not me is this lack of…anything. I need goals and schedules. I need places to go. I need projects, and I have none. I could force myself to read some teaching books, but that isn’t enough to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. When I agreed to graduate early, I never expected to be in a situation like this. In my mind,  I thought I’d get a part time job to save money and enable me to take some guilt free trips to Boston to see my friends (and thus not feel like I’m missing out on my last semester of college) and maybe finally get myself a DSLR that would keep me busy enough at home, thus making graduating early alright. Instead, I have no job, since no one around here is hiring (Thanks, Economy!), and thus, have guilt at the thought of traveling or doing ANYTHING that would waste money, even though, I shouldn’t feel guilty (see above). So I’m double bored, as having a job would enable me to have other things to do, and not having a job results in having nothing to do. This is all now exacerbated by the fact that I have to spend some time (and thus, money) in LA to retake the teaching test in March, taking away money AND time I could have used to get a job. 

Bah! Ok…no more rambling. I need to think of some things to be excited about: going to LA when my best friend happens to be visiting for Spring Break. The NJ/PA/DE meet-up (hopefully) next week. Getting a new computer soon (ish…this keeps getting pushed back…but I’m being POSITIVE. Postive. Postive. Positive.)

Sorry this post is all woe-is-me when things could be SO much worse, but it feels nice to get this out and not just rant about it to my mom, who just tells me not to feel bad, which I wish I could do. 

Tomorrow, I’m going to try to write up my You Inspire Me post. That’s a good goal for the day, right? Right.

I have officially been watching The West Wing online too much.  Last night I  had a dream that I was actually living in the show and had taken the place of Donna. During my time as Josh’s new assistant,  I had to attend a cabinet meeting in which the president asked me a question I didn’t know the answer to. It had something to do with the differences between Russia and Brooklyn. I looked like an idiot, and also the Pres got mad at Josh for not briefing me before the meeting. 

I need a life. My brain is definitely telling me that.

So New York did not make it easy for me to escape from it. Yesterday it definitely blizzarded all flippin’ day,trapping me in my apartment. I ended up, what else, watching online TV. I also got sucked into Camp Rock, which was cheerful and addicting as most Disney Channel movies are. I think I’m now a fan of the Jonas Brothers. 

This morning I woke up determined to get the hell out of there. This involved digging my car out of 4 feet of snow and ice for a half an hour. This was followed by trying to pack as much as I could into the car and finding that the trunk would not open. This altered my packing plan greatly, and forced me to shove as much as  I could in the tiny backseat of a two door Eclipse. Fun times. 

I finally was ready to go, said goodbye to Rachel, the good roommate.  I ignored Dawson and Ashley while trying to fight the urge to tell them how much I’ve hated living with the two of them for the last four months.  I also wanted to leave a note telling them that they better help Rachel out now that I’m leaving. I’m just happy I don’t have to wash any more of their dirty dishes. Seriously.  I guess it’s hard to clean when you have someone attached to your hip.

::Phew::

Anger gone. I haven’t been so happy to leave a place since I transferred from Tulane my freshman year of college. New York can suck it. Also, digging my car out of the snow has made it so when I get to California, I will not be nostalgic for it. 

In other news, both of my knees are a mess. My right one has a ginormous scary bruise from face planting while ice skating last weekend. My left one has a deceivingly small cut/gash that I managed to get after the TV Festival party Thursday night. Skipping dinner + free booze = bad. I definitely woke up, knee throbbing, clutching my phone, and with a bowl of pasta sitting on my nightstand. Whaa. The day was downhill from there. 

Ok. I will be in a better mood now. I’m excited for the family festivities this week. Christmas and Hanukkah.

I usually am not a huge fan of Keith Olbermann because of his blatant worship of Barack Obama. Not that I don’t like Barack Obama, but if I’m going to hate Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity for their crazy conservative rantings, I feel like I should at least be annoyed by Olbermann’s blantant liberalism. 

Tonight, however, Keith Olberman said everything I’ve been thinking, but can’t articulate without getting ridiculously angry, about Prop 8. Please watch this and think about what he’s saying. Pass it on if you feel the same.

My day at work today went a little something like this:

- Get in twenty minutes early due to catching the early bus.

- Be told not a lot is going on. Go over schedule for the next two weeks.

- Log onto computer.

- Read email.

- Read blogs.

- Read Entertainment Weekly’s Popwatch Blog

- Read Gawker

- Read my newest obsession, 23/6

- Have a twenty minute phone conversation with my sister.

- Meet boss downstairs to take some boxes across town.

- Learn that there are two many boxes to fit in a cab.

- Realize have been doing nothing for two hours waiting to accomplish a task that is not accomplish-able.

- Told to go to the other theater to pick up other (small pre-postaged) boxes and take them to the post-office.

- Walk to other theater in obnoxious mist that makes umbrella users look stupid but that leaves you kind of wet without an umbrella.

- Stop at Starbucks to reward self for getting this far through this boring of a day.

- Walk out of Starbucks with Gingersnap Latte into POURING RAIN. Suddenly, miss obnoxious mist as jean bottoms become so soaked that pants start falling off.

- Get to other theater and learn that boxes are actually large and not pre-postaged.

- Walk with first large box through still pouring rain several blocks, trying to balance said box with one arm as the other arm is simultaneously trying to cover both body and large leather purse from said pouring rain with umbrella.

- Finally get to post office soaking wet, only to have post-office worker ask if box has liquids or hazardess materials in it. Not knowing, reply “I don’t..uh…think so.”

- Worry post office worker thinks box contains anthrax or other bioweapons.

- Smile awkwardly to ward off suspicion.

- Walk back to theater massaging throbbing arm that held up box single-handedly (or armedly?) for several blocks despite lacking anything resembling arm strength.

- Take second, awkwardly long and skinny, box from the theater and begin second journey to the post-office, fearing a second awkward encounter with suspicious workers.

- Finally get to post office a second time, even more soaking wet, pants seriously FALLING OFF, pull on door handle and almost fall backwards as it is locked.

- Realize in time it took to walk to theater and back, post office has closed.

- Curse loudly to self.

- Walk back to theater, now angrily balancing leather bag, awkward box, pink umbrella, and too big pants, wishing Starbucks had not been hastily thrown away in anger as Gingersnap Latte still had some cheering up powers left in it.

- Climb three flights of stairs with all baggage in tow to find office locked.

- Curse loudly enough to fear kids in education department class next door heard.

- Ask theater manager to open office.

- Get into office and immediately write angry blog post.

- (Presumably) Will wait around for another hour and a half before passing out pay checks and walking home.

Today, I am extremely happy I wasn’t offered that full-time job. Extremely happy. Because to quote Jim Halpert, “Right now, this is a job. If I advance any further, this would be my career, and if this were my career…I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.”

Yes, today is indeed my 22nd birthday. Here are a list of things that make me happy about  my birthday:

• 4 Birthday Voicemails (Thanks dad, Sarah Mac, Jonah, and Uncle David!)
• 1 Birthday Text
• 2 Birthday phone calls
• 25 (and counting) Birthday Facebook wall posts
• 2 Happy Birthday Twitters
• One Birthday card (Thanks, Jillian!)
• One birthday dinner (and cake!) tonight

So I can keep making excuses for not blogging, and I certainly have them. My mom visiting, too much work of all kinds, my personal slash social life slowly falling apart (through my own doing), constant nausea due to all of this (well, not my mom visiting…that was a good time.) I just can’t seem to deal with my life right now (evidenced by me crying on the phone to my mom this morning for a good half hour), so I just need another couple days to process and see if things are going to work out before I can sit down and organize my thoughts about anything.

Sorry this is cryptic and depressing. I promise I’ll write a really awesome Mom weekend recap (complete with a large list of Boston restaurant recommendations found during said weekend) and some kind of update about my actual life super soon. 

Until then, I hope your lives are far less confusing than mine.