One of my 2012 goals is to “be happy being single.” This should be easy enough. Being single means getting to do whatever (pardon my language) the fuck I want to. All. The. Time. I can spend a full Sunday on the couch watching nothing but Dance Moms, Mrs. Doubtfire, and 500 Days of Summer. I can spend my Thursday nights marathoning The Wire and getting drinks on a whim with my TFA friends. I can go dancing with my college girls on Saturdays and get brunch every Sunday with everyone. I also live alone now (which is AWESOMELY AWESOME by the way. You should all try it sometime), which adds even more to this “All What Amanda Wants to do All of the Time” business. (It also means every show on my DVR is mine, which is epically fantastic. Also great? Ample fridge space!)

It also means I should have significantly less drama and angst in my life. When any of my friends or I am in a relationship, there are always so many questions – where is this relationship going? Why didn’t he call me today? Why did his voice sound so weird on the phone? Who is he texting all the time? Why is he hanging out alone with that girl he’s “only friends” with ALL THE TIME? Well, not all the time, but enough that is annoying and a thing and I’m going to ask questions about it, goddamnit! I mean…yeah, there are a lot of questions. And sometimes stress and angst, thus being single should be easy! Stress and question free! All Amanda All The Time!

But for some reason, for the last few months, it hasn’t been all easy. It has kind of sucked. And I know it’s sucky, not because being single is inherently sucky, but because I, on some level, am making it sucky for myself. It is sucky because I sulk about it to myself when I get asked these questions by my friends, when I see people holding hands or sitting on the same side of the booth at brunch (which, I mean, NO ONE SHOULD DO!! Just eat your eggs without getting handsy. It is not that hard), when I see stupid RomCom commercials and hear single girls behind me in CVS bitch about how Valentine’s Day isn’t fun for anyone because its about corporate greed and making single people sad! (Oh, CVS girls, you are just sooo original.) It’s sucky because I (horribly) have internalized that being single is somehow a reflection on my self worth, like it means that I am somehow less than a woman who is in a relationship and that no one wants me , not that I have yet to find anyone worthy of my awesomeness, which to be frank, is probably closer to the truth. (You are loving my humbleness right now….) I have grown up in a culture where, for girls, love is the goal, and since I have yet to attain it, I am somehow missing some big, important facet of my life and should be spending all my free time searching for it and sulking for not having it yet. It is even more sucky because I regularly deny to myself that all of the proceeding facts are true. I tell myself that I have actually truly internalized all the feminist literature I’ve read (and fully believe) and am totally happy with my awesomely independent life-style, but honestly, I still feel kind of sucky. It’s a terrible vicious cycle. I make myself feel sucky for being single and then feel sucky for feeling that way instead of feeling sassy and awesome and on and on and on.

BUT step 1 of my 2012 goal is to admit all of this, here on the internet, to try to begin breaking the cycle of sucky. I desperately want to fully enjoy being single because it is in so many ways, for me right now, the best possible thing. I need time and energy to focus on not failing at my job, on filling out grad school scholarship applications, and on finishing The Wire season 1. Plus, I need to spend as much time as possible with my amazingly awesome friends, who I will miss terribly come fall if I end up using those grad school scholarships and momentarily leaving LA. So, deep breath….new mantra: single is super not sucky.

Also, full disclosure, I will for the time being, be on E-Harmony, (Thanks enabling work friends who are also on E-harmony!) because single girls still like dates right? Right…

So here I am. Still alive after all these months. Who would’ve thought? I certainly wouldn’t have thought that I would be sitting here in November, single, living in my own apartment, questioning my next step, having accomplished none of the goals I set out for myself in my last post what seems like a life-time ago but well on my way to accomplishing new goals and being totally fine with all of that.

While my life on paper looks pretty much like it did before, there are some minor changes. Still Teaching For America, though as an official alumnus now and not as an active Corps Member, and I did move up a grade with my kiddos. Plus, I joined the TFA staff bandwagon, working at their Summer Institute this past summer, which was both the most ridiculously tiring and stressful and most ridiculously fun job I’ve ever had.

Still living in LA, but I made the move from my super trendy, Grove-adjacent neighborhood, to a less trendy, more quiet, much much much closer to work neighborhood within walking distance of Nicole and Drea. Also, I’m living alone for the first time, which was mildly terrifying at first (like double-checking the locks every night before I went to sleep and then getting up again after 10 minutes of being almost asleep to check them again terrifying), but now that I can come home, sit in silence while watching a DVR full of shows that only I have taped, I’m starting to enjoy it. Plus, I get to feel all adult and accomplished when I do crazy things like unclog my shower drain after being annoyed with the standing water for a month. (That’s an adult thing right?)

And there was that whole, I was in a long-term relationship and now am not thing…which I’m fine with. I’ve had a crazy single summer and have been spending more time brunching, dancing, and just generally hanging out with my amazing friends and some new amazing friends, all of whom say I’m way more fun than I was last year, so I’m going to call it a win. Also, I may be contemplating joining a synagogue just to meet new cute Jewish boys, which I think God would be totally fine with…so maybe I’m not totally fine with being single, but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.

The other big change is that I’m thinking I may be done with teaching after this year. While I certainly don’t hate it, I’m starting to feel the “wow, I’m actually completely burned out” feeling, which may have something to do with that ridiculously tiring summer job and the fact that I”m teaching a new grade/subject for the third year in a row, and have thus never been able to reuse any of the work I’ve done for the past two years, and yeah….I’m feeling a little done, which means I need to now have that whole WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO NOW conversation in my mind for the next 8 months, which in turn means a lot of grad school applications, TFA staff applications, and web searches for jobs in theater education to see what comes up. So you’re welcome for the slew of angsty, where-do-I-want-my-life-to-go posts that will be coming your way in the next few months.

That’s all I’ve got for now – hopefully now that I’m a regular person again, after a lovely two-year hiatus, I’ll make this posting business a regular part of my week again. I mean, I owe it to the awesome redesign to at least give it a chance. (Thanks, Steph!)

I’m not a huge fan of resolutions, because they feel kind of unmeasurable, and I usually forget about them. This year, I’m going to try something (slightly) different, and set specific goals, as Teach for America has so kindly taught me how to do.

So here, for public consumption and accountability are my goals for 2011:

1. Lose 10 pounds before the summer. (How? Working out an average of 3 times a week and re-joining Weight Watchers, which helped me lose 10 pounds in three months in 2009.)

2. Bike 50 miles in the Tour de Cure for Diabetes in Long Beach in May.

3. Read 8-10 books, with the help of my new super awesome Nook!

4. Blog….more. (This shouldn’t be hard, as right now, I’ve averaging six posts a year.)

And that’s all I’ve got mentally for now, as I have a horrifying cold and am currently wrapped in the softest blanket on earth reading Dan Savage’s The Commitment on my Nook, both courtesy of my super awesome boyfriend. Hopefully, if I stick to goal #4, I’ll be back with a voice and a slightly higher capacity for thought soon.

I’ve always been a pretty self-reflective, always dreaming up extremely vivid images of what kind of life I want to lead and what kind of person I want to be. I think blogging has factored into this a lot in the past few years. Blogs constantly expose you to a multitude of life choices, crazy adventures, and differing attitudes. In a weird way, it was reading blogs – mom blogs and blogs of people working for themselves, in particular – that made me realize I didn’t want to work in entertainment, because I wanted a more “regular” life, and that influence hasn’t gone away yet. Being constantly exposed to other people’s lives in this way allows me to see how other people are living on a weekly basis and see if they are living the kind of life I want for myself.

The problem with this, and with me, really, is that I have terrible “grass is greener” syndrome. Even as I’ve been happy with my life, I’m always seeing the awesome, cool, interesting, and exotic things OTHER people are doing. I see people eating at amazing restaurants, going on hot air balloon rides, creating a ball-pit in their living room, traveling the world, staring their own businesses, decorating adorable apartments, getting married, going to grad school…I see all these things, and I think, THOSE are the types of things I want – the interesting lives with the new, small adventures, with the adorable outfits and the Etsy adorned apartment and the fun, entrepreneurial new job….

Lately, I’ve come to realize, however, that what we see on blogs is SUCH a small slice of people’s lives, and not just any slice, the slice people *choose* to share with the world. We sometimes see the struggles, but always protected and monitored, always as a small chunk of the image. We don’t see the daily grind, the annoying traffic, the family frustrations, the utter heartbreaks, and the boring days. The more bloggers I’ve met in real the life, the more evident this has become to me. As much as we know and share with each other, we don’t know that much *just* from reading blogs. People are doing these fun, cool, adventurous things, but they are also living real life. Just like I am.

With this realization, it has been my mission to think about how my life could (or would) be perceived (if I actually blogged about it on a regular basis, that is), and what people may see in me, when you take away all that daily grind crap.

My blog would show that I love my job, stress and crazy kids and all. It would show that I have a great adorable teacher boyfriend who loves me. It would show that I do go on some crazy adventures, like hitting up Disneyland with these lovely folks and having a heart attack on Space Mountain, like going with my best friend to see Maroon 5 at the Greek theater, and like going with my hilarious co-workers to Drag Bingo in West Hollywood. It would show that I do have some cute Etsy jewelry. I do go to fun restaurants that have been featured on “The Best Thing I ever Ate,” and even though it isn’t super decorated, I do have a pretty sweet apartment.

Someone reading would look at my life and not see the disorganized room, the hour of me in sitting (and screaming) in traffic, the pain of getting up at 5AM, and the lack of decoration in my apartment, but they would see someone who has a pretty good life. And it is definitely the life I want.

1. The new staff at my school. As my school is a new charter, we are adding a grade every year. Thus, we doubled the size of our staff in, this, our second year. Luckily, our new staff is as ridiculously amazing, funny, smart, and collaborative as our old staff, leading us to have ridiculously amazing, funny adventures while competing in a scavenger hunt around the South Bay and do ridiculously amazing, smart, collaborative things, like craft engaging curriculum for the 10th grade. Win.

2. My Toms wedges

3. The Neil Patrick Harris-directed production of “Rent” at the Hollywood Bowl. Having never been to the Hollywood Bowl AND having never seen “Rent” live made seeing this production one of the best nights in a long time. As did the impromptu Ke$ha dance party my friends and I had in the parking lot after the show while waiting for the cars to clear out. Throw in the fact that my (dorky) “High School Musical” loving heart got a kick out of seeing Vanessa Hudgens writhe on stage to “Out Tonight,” and you have an epic night.

4. My last week of summer. Last week (aka my last week of summer 2010), I finally met my boyfriend’s family, by taking his niece to Disneyland (my THIRD time since April. Childhood win!) and by going with his family to a Dodger game (which they won 9-1). I also went skating with said niece, my sister, and my roommate, which I haven’t done since I was 10. Lastly, I slept in pretty much every day until 9, which is late for me. Best.

5. Mad Men. Despite the fact that they cut out the scene my roommate was an extra in (Damn you, editors!), I am SO happy to have Don, Peggy, and even Betty back in my life.

6. Feeling like I’m good at my job. For the first time since I started teaching (granted, its only been a year), I feel like I have some sort of grasp on what I’m doing, and I finally feel like I’m the one truly directing what is going on in my classroom, instead of just following along with the crowd because I’m too afraid to venture off on my own. This is all mostly due to the fact that I’ve been helping new TFA-ers get accustomed to my school, but I’ll take it however I can get it. Hazzah for never being a first-year teacher ever again!

Looking back on some of the major turning points of my life, I realize most of them have come out of rash decisions. Momentary whims that turned into life paths and completely new directions.

Rash decision one: Give up theater, after a life time of dance classes, voice lessons, summer theater camps, and a performing arts high school, after a terrible college program audition (complete with crying phone meltdown to my mother) and a comment from my high school drama/playwriting teacher that my play read more like a sitcom. Instead of pursuing an BFA in Musical Theater (which I could not have done solely due to lack of necessary talent…) or even a BA in Theater Studies, I decided to major in Television and Film with the new dream of writing for Television. It was quasi based on my lifetime love of television, but looking back, it was also quasi reactionary. Even so, that decision shaped the next four years of my life.

Rash decision number two: Apply to be a counselor at a Jewish summer camp. A completely random decision a the time, having never attended camp myself. It came up after a third or forth viewing of the MTV Documentary “Fat Camp” with my friend Nick my second semester of college, during which I talked about how I almost went to sleep away Jew camp as a kid, but chickened out at the last minute. I thought about how I had nothing to do that summer and about how much fun I’d had the summer before working at a Performing Arts Day camp, and how I’d always secretly wished I had just sucked it up and GONE to camp that summer, so I, of course, randomly started researching and applying to Jewish summer camps in the Midwest. I heard back from several, got hired at one, and proceeded to have the best two summers of my life 20 minutes outside of Cleveland, Ohio, which in turn led to both my amazing Australian adventure with my two camp BFF’s and my third rash decision.

Rash decision number three: Apply to Teach for America. After my second semester junior year experience of interning and hating life in LA, I felt lost. My rash decision to major in TV was looking like an epic failure after discovering I didn’t, in fact, enjoy working in television, and I had no idea what to do with my life. The only vague thought I had was to maybe apply to Emerson to study Theater Education and circle back to my original love of theater and my new found (Thanks to Camp!) love of working with kids. I doubted I would get in, however, with my limited camp experience teaching drama one summer and my one vaguely related to education class, the Politics of Education. Then I saw one of those pesky recruitment signs touting the (horrifying) statistics about low-income schools, which reminded me of all the things I learned were broken in the education system in my one education class. I went to an info meeting, told my mom I was thinking about applying, and filled out the application in a day, figuring I would let fate decide, since I didn’t really have faith in my decision making skills at the time. Then a funny thing happened. Fate decided I should be a teacher.

And that’s where I am now. One year into my two-year commitment to TFA, which is when everyone in TFA starts asking “What are you going to do next Spring when you finish?” They, of course, are asking so they can steer you into staying in education, thus fulfilling step two of their two-part plan to close the education gap. And for the first time in a while, I’m not feeling like making a rash decision that will throw me in a completely different direction.

Maybe it’s just because my life is going pretty well right now that I don’t feel like changing it and, eventually one small blip will send me looking at law school applications, but for now, for the first time ever, I’ve drafted out a plan for the next five years of my life, based on where I am now right now. It’s weird to write out where I want to be five years into the future, because for the last five years, my plans have been changing and evolving on a regular basis. There has never been a constant, because I have always felt unsure, like I wasn’t good enough to act or I wasn’t cut-throat enough for Hollywood. It’s kind of scary to feel stable and to plan, because I have a history of planning and then pursuing those plans only to chuck them out the window and do something totally different. I even wrote my college admissions essay about how I did this, and after that, I changed my mind again!

But maybe those rash decisions were all just leading me here, to the place I was supposed to end up. I just had to make those giant, seemingly random leaps because I wasn’t going to get to this place fast enough unless I made mistakes, took on random jobs and left a few things up to fate.

Maybe planning just feels scary, because, as I’ve seen, life doesn’t go according to plan, and I’m just afraid to fail. In the past, as my plans have changed or been only a few months ahead of me, I’ve never technically failed. I’ve gotten everything I’ve really tried to do. I don’t know how I would handle it if I made this plan, went for it with all I had, and then didn’t succeed.

Then again, life is scary and unpredictable, as I’ve seen, and I might fail, but I think I need to focus on the fact that right now, in this moment, I’m so incredibly grateful that I made those decisions, and that life, unpredictably, brought me here to this place where I can make plans for my future, because when I think of what my life would have been had I not made those random, rash decisions, I wouldn’t have all the life experience that is now factoring into my plans. I guess I just have to trust that even if life doesn’t go according to the plan, it can still lead you to a good place.

I’ve never really known where home was. We moved so much when I was growing up, I never had a home base or a home town. The sports teams I follow are from PIttsburgh. My best friends from my childhood are from Alabama. My high school diploma is from Ohio, and I spent the last four years living in Boston.

When I say I’m “going home” for the week, what I really mean is “I’m going to where my parents live.” Right now, that is Delaware. I lived here for a couple months after graduating last year, but I don’t have any friends here. I have no old hang-outs to visit, and I basically hang out with my parents and work-out at the JCC when I come here. It’s not home, except for the idea that home is where my parents live.

When I told people I was coming to Delaware this week, I said I was going home for the week, but being here and in Pittsburgh at a family reunion for the weekend, I realized, I’m not at home. I love my parents more than anything, and emotionally, yes, whenever I am in their house, I will feel some sense of home, but I had a surprising realization last night.

When I fly back to LA on Wednesday, I’ll be going home. I’ll be going to the place I feel like I truly belong at this point in my life. I’ll be going to the little home I’ve created with my best friends in our apartment. I’ll be going to the place where I can grab dinner and a movie with my sister at a moments notice. I’ll be going to the place I can drive around without thinking. I’ll be going to the place I feel comfortable and happy and settled. I’ll be going to the place I can’t imagine moving from any time soon, which is exactly the opposite of how I thought I would ever feel about Los Angeles.

The first time I lived there, I thought it was pretentious and loud and too spread out and too sunny. (Odd, I know.) Now, I’ve embraced and conquered (at times) the traffic. I’ve made amazing friends who always keep me busy when I want to be. I’ve found a job I’m (almost) really good at and that I feel fulfilled in. I’ve learned to love the constant sunny and 70 degree weather. I’ve found an apartment that feels cozy and comfortable and (almost) decorated, and I’ve found (for now) a guy who indulges me in seeing Toy Story 3, takes me to Dodgers games, enjoys hanging out and doing nothing but watching movies and eating pizza, and who doesn’t make me feel nervous or self-conscious or crazy about anything I do, say, or feel.

I’ve had a great weekend with my family, revisiting my favorite childhood theme park, Kennywood, hanging out at a waterpark with my cousins, and dancing to a super local Pittsburgh band at a hotel bar with all my aunts and uncles, but I am really excited to go home.

I’m alive. I promise. This weekend, after staying up for 24 hours on Friday (not. ok.), I started the week feeling like the three weeks I had left of Institute would be ENDLESS. ENDLESS I tell you!

However, after getting the afternoon off yesterday (Happy TFA Day!), which then allowed me to get four hours of sleep from 7 until 11:30 before I drove across town to a midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with Stephanie before returning home at 4 to get two more hours of sleep, and after finishing three lesson plans tonight without breaking a sweat (and before 10:00PM!), I’m feeling like the two weeks and 2 days of Institute I have left are totally manageable. Especially since tomorrow at this time, I’ll be rocking out to Kris Allen, Adam Lambert, and Allison Iraheta at the American Idol concert…..andagainonSaturday.

Yes, I am going to the American Idol concert twice. And yes, I am aware that the do-gooders here at TFA probably judge and don’t understand my pop culture obbsesions. I know in my heart, though, that the fact that I’m going twice is just the consequence of a weird set of circumstances that involved me not thinking I could make the LA show, buying tickets to the San Diego show instead, and then finding out I could go to the LA show….but I digress.

The seeing HP and the seeing Kris Allen are the things that are keeping me sane and allowing me to plow through these last two weeks. I went into this thing telling myself that I would not change. I would not let TFA consume my life. I would not burn out by pushing away the things I love and becoming scary-serious-sanctimonious chick. I do want to give all I can to my new job, but not at the expense of my life. So…yeah, no guilt. And I won’t complain if I’m tired, which surprisingly after last night’s weird split up sleep situation, I’m not. (I still got 7 hours of sleep, which sadly, is more than I’ve been getting on a regular basis) Although, this post is sounding more and more like I am super tired. Or like I’m drugged.

Whatevs. The whole point is I’m alive. I’m going to make it through Institute, and I’m going to allow myself to have some fun along the way. The end. Good night.

There are 8,000 topics I keep meaning to blog about, but my sad dying iBook combined with my apparent inability to climb stairs to use my parent’s computer have combined to create an almost insurmountable obsacle to my blogging. Thus, I bring you a list of things I’ve been spending a lot of my time thinking about lately in one easy-to-digest blog post. Here goes:

1. Ira Glass – Last Thursday night, I dragged my mother to go with me to see “This American Life LIVE“, an event put on by the brilliant and addictive Public Radio show “This American Life” in which they do a live broadcast of their show in New York and beam it out to movie theaters around the country like freakin’ Star Trek! I was beyond excited for it, as my love for “This American Life” knows no bounds, PLUS the fact that actally watching Ira Glass, the freakishly amazing host, talk could entertain me for hours, as I’m so used to hearing him as this omnipresent voice on my walks to and from class rather than a noise actually coming out of a human face. When we got to the theater, we were one of two groups of people there, and my mother laughed at the lack of NPR listeners in the area – 10 minutes later the theater was almost full. Suck it, Mom! (Just kidding, I love you! And Happy Birthday!) I instantly wanted to befriend everyone there, as liking TAL (especially enough to drop $20 to see TAL LIfe) is one of my cool people indicators (you know you have them too). My love was even further solidified by the fact that they had word puzzels playing on the screen as the pre-show entertainment! It was like writing geek heaven. The show itself was great, as the radio show most always is. I cried at two stories and cracked up at all of them. My favorite comedian, Mike Birbiglia, told a story about a car crash in which he was wrongly found at fault (the other guy was drunk, so this was a pretty big slap in the face), and it was alterntately hilarious, infuriating, and touching, like every awesome story should be. (And because I haven’t mentioned it here before, I saw Mike’s off-Broadway show in March and it’s amazing! If you haven’t listened to his CD’s or seen is show, I strongly suggest doing so.) Basically, it was $20 well spent. I reccomend listening to the radio broadcast of the show next week, which you can do on their website.(It’s the episode titled “Return to the Scene of the Crime”)

2. Gregory House – Am I the only one who has noticed that there are only about 3 hours in the day when House is not playing on the USA Network? Take a minute, and check it right now. I’ll be you $20 bucks it’s on. Go ahead. I’ll wait…….As someone who has always thought I should watch House, because it’s a quality show and I am a lover of quality shows, it’s been nice to be able to watch some episodes here and there, but it’s becoming ridiculous. I watch one because it’s the only thing on, then I can’t change the channel in time before the next episodes starts and BOOM someone collapses with a siezure or heart failure that is TOTALLY UNEXPLAINABLE and OMGIHAVETOKNOWWHATTHEYHAVE!! Suddenly it’s three hours later, I still don’t exactly understand what was wrong with the patient, and I’m dreaming in medical jargon. Luckily, House’s witty dialogue and curmudgeonly attidute make it all worth while.

3. Flickr – This site is like photography crack. I get on to upload a few pictures then BOOM, I see someone made a comment on one of my pictures. “Join our group! It will be fun! Everyone’s doing it!” I click on the link to check out the group then suddenly I’ve lost ANOTHER three hours I thought I’d use to do something productive after breaking free of House, but instead I go from photostream to photostream with my mouth hanging open wondering how in the hell someone took this picture. It’s a problem. (Speaking of photos, have you checked out my new photoblog? Have you? Again, I’ll wait…../end shameless self-promotion)

4. Work – It’s slowly sucking out my soul. I don’t do well dealing with the public. At all. Especially when I have to work to please them and live with the mantra that somehow, despite how stupid and ridiculous and clearly WRONG they are, they are right. It hurs my soul. It really does.

And that is what has been taking up my time. Clearly, these are life-altering things I’m devoting myself to. I mean, I’ve got all major medium covered – radio, TV, internet. My life is crawling with excitement. Soon, though, that sarcastic statement could be true! Thursday, I’m headed to Boston for two days, then I’m back for a week, then it’s off to Boston AGAIN for senior week, then home for two weeks to pack up my life, then it’s off to Vegas, Baby (!!) for a little meet-up you may have heard about, then I’m flying to San Diego to pick up  my car and see the family, AND THEN I’m driving to LA and hanging out with my high school BFF and you know, starting my new life. So…yeah…this  may be the end of me complaining about how bored I am. Thank god.

I’m not usually one to post about politics on my blog, save for the obligatory “I’m happy Obama was elected” post on November 5th, but this morning, I got angry. 

If you aren’t an avid pageant watcher, and I’m SO sure most of you are, you may not have heard about the little controversy involving Miss USA judge Perez Hilton and runner-up Miss California. Basically, during the final portion of the competition, Perez asked Miss CA about gay marriage , an extremely topical and relevant question given all the controversy revolving around Prop 8 in her home state. Miss CA basically said “It’s great that we can choose to either support it or not in our country, but I choose not to support it.” (She also called heterosexual marriage “opposite marriage,” which alone would have made me question her qualifications, but that’s another post altogether.) 

I was a little annoyed at this, but definitely not angry, until I read some comments on this Entertainment Weekly PopWatch blog post about the incident - they are nauseating: People saying Perez was pushing his “homo agenda,” people saying that Miss CA spoke for the 70% of American’s who speak “the truth-the BIBLE,” which will win in the end, saying Perez was a “jerk for even asking this question especially because he’s a homosexual” (so because he’s gay, he isn’t allowed to ask question?) and comment after comment of unbelievable, hate-filled, homophobic trash. 

I tried to look past it, to chalk it up to internet craziness. Then, I turned on the Today Show to find Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb applauding this woman for “speaking her mind” and not being politlcally correct, something  many of the internet crazies were saying. Um…excuse me?! 

That is when I got angry. Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion and entitled to voice that opinion in their private lives, when they are speaking for and as themselves, but a contestant for a title like MISS USA is most certainly NOT allowed to promote hate, to stand for exclusion, and to tell a large segment (yes, it’s a “minority,” but it’s not just 5 people sitting in San Francisco - it’s MILLIONS of Americans) of the population that to her, and she means “no offense to anyone” (how kind of you!), that because how they were born, they don’t deserve to live with the same rights as all us “normal” people. America stands for free speech, but it most certainly does not stand for hate and inequality. Would we applaud a Miss USA contestant for saying she didn’t believe in interracial marriage or that all Jews and Muslims are going to hell for not believing in Jesus? Absolutely not, so why should we be expected to support a Miss USA contestant who is homophobic? 

It also pisses me off that people act like Perez asked some completely inapropriate question – it was probably one of the most topical questions of the night. Gay marriage laws were just passed in two states and were a major part of the last election in Miss CA’s home state. Just because Perez is gay himself doesn’t mean he should shy away from asking topical questions about gay marriage, and asking those tough questions doesn’t mean he is simply pushing his agenda. He was getting information on a timely issue from a contestant. He said he asked the eventual winner of the compeetition about the Federal Bailouts, an equally topical and difficult question to answer. He wasn’t attacking Miss CA. She sabatoged herself.

And to those saying he wanted her to lie or hide her values, Perez very smartly pointed out in his Larry King interview that she could have answered in a way that fell in line with her own views while not completely alienating gays and lesbians. He suggested she could have explained she thought it was up to the states to decide, and he too, went on to explain that just because her personal opinion is that gay marriage is wrong doesn’t mean she should express it as a contestant in a national pageant. Anyone in a public forum representing a company or an organization knows that sometimes personal opinions can’t be expressed in full. For example, a CEO might be a hate-filled anti-Semite, but he sure as hell isn’t going to stand up, representing his company, and say he hates Jews. It’s not OK. Period. And her answer was most certainly not OK. I don’t care if it’s what she believes: you cannot promote hate of gays in a world filled and supported by them – the pageant industry. That is all.