Oh, sorry. That was obnoxious. That was just me laughing at the mild ridiculousness of this question, the latest prompt form Gwen Bell’s Best of ’09 Challenge.

My biggest challenge? I’m living it this instant, surrouned by papers I should’ve graded weeks ago, a week from a huge school-wide exhibition my students are no where near ready for, wishing more than anything I could be watching the finale of Top Chef instead of slowly melting down in my room…..

What is my biggest challenge? Balance. I can’t seem to find it.

I put off work. I relax.

I feel guilty. I overwork.

I oversleep. I feel guilty. I work harder.

I snap at my students. I drink too much.

I undersleep. I drink too much coffee.

I get hyper. I have a good day. I think I have it figured out.

I break down. I have no idea what I’m doing.

I procrastinate. I cram. I overshedule.

I yell at my kids for not being on top of their shit. I laugh. I’m a hypocrite.

My biggest challenge? Getting up everyday knowing I’ll go to sleep with more to do. Figuring out how to live my life and do my job without failing at both.

I hope by next year my biggest challenge is something I know I can work through, because I’m having doubts about this one.

What I just can’t figure out is, how possible is all of this? Do the people who seem to have all the things I want really have them? Do they have jobs they love? Do they have time to take pictures, to decorate their homes for the holidays, hell, just to hang pictures on their walls? Do they have time to sit on their couches, sipping hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies without the threat of the impending work week hanging over them? Are these realistic things to hope for, or am I going to give up pretty good job after pretty good job hoping for something no one actually has?

My job is hard. It’s frustrating, and time consuming, and exhausting. It takes up most of my time. I don’t dislike it, though. In fact, most of the time, I like it. I do not like, however, that in the past four months, I have yet to find the time to hang pictures in my room. I do not like that I have yet to find time to upload and edit my pictures from Thanksgiving. I do not like that I feel guilty for going out last night, as it prevented me from getting as much work done today as I would’ve liked. I do not like that I get tired at 9-o-clock at night and that I have to leave my friends’ birthday parties early because if I stay, I will fall asleep on their couches. I do not like that my job makes me feel like if I’m not working 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I’m not doing enough. I do not like that I constantly feel inadequate. I do not like that my job feels like my life, when I know I am so much more than my job. Even though I like my job, are all these things that stand in the way of my true happiness enough to encourage me to actively seek out another job in two  years when my commitment is up? Or will another job come with the same problems and then some? Are these things that will follow me around no matter where I go?

I hate that I can’t just be content. I hate that I can’t appreciate the good things without letting the not so good creep in and piss me off. I hate that I’m constantly afraid I’ll never get the things I want or that I’ll spend my life settling for less than what will make me truly happy for fear that being truly happy is impossible.

Mainly, I’m just tired. All. The. Time.

Things aren’t all bad. I definitely have good days. I have times when my kids make me laugh, when they do something fantastic, when my staff makes me feel amazingly smart, and when I look around at all these 14-year-old faces looking up at me and smile because I get to help them get to where they want to go…but right now, I’m definitely in the middle of survival mode, at least according to the “First Year of Teaching Timeline” TFA gave us all. I’m a little worried, because after survival mode is disillusionment, and I don’t think I could handle all this work on top of being seriously disillusioned.

Let’s think of some good things that happened this week: I got my FREE (yes FREE) membership to an uber fancy gym, Spectrum. I caught up on all my television. I ate Chipotle for lunch today. I finally got my next project (kind of) planned out. And that’s all I’ve got for now. Eh.
:

I have, however, remembered how great it feels to be a normal person. In order to keep this feeling up, I’m going (attempt to) commit to finding time to do some things for my own sanity:

1) Work out! – I haven’t worked out since before Institute, which is horrifying on a number of levels. Jillian found this awesome dance/yoga studio within walking distance of our apartment, so I’m going to go to a class tomorrow. I’m hoping it goes well, because it would be super convenient, and it looks fun (and stress relieving!)

2) Actually Use my Camera – I’ve been looking longingly at my beautiful, sad, unused Nikon D90 for almost as long as I haven’t been working out. I can’t remember the last time I used it…oh wait, it was in Vegas! Ridiculous. I really miss just going out and finding awesome, little things to take pictures of. I’m going to try to out go at least once a week or once every two weeks and take some pictures. I doubt I’ll do anything with them, but just doing it should be relaxing.

3) Blog/Read Blogs – I’m done complaining about not blogging. I want to be able to process what’s going on in my life and record it in some way. I also don’t want to let all my blog friendships die a slow sad death. I’m going to start again. Seriously guys. Seriously.

Ok, I think that’s all I can add in to my life right now. My sanity is resting on my ability to find time to do these things, so pray for my success. Ok. Go.

So…that is my excuse. That is my mea culpa. I’m tired and busy and sad that I’m not keeping up with everyone online or even keeping up with myself. I’m told it will get easier. I’ll adjust to the sleep schedule. I’ll set up an organization system that works. I won’t wake up some mornings wondering how in the hell I’m going to get through the day. I won’t be close to tears on the phone with my mom as my students start coming in the door.

No, things aren’t that bad. My kids are ridiculously fantastic. They’ve already done some great work, but I’ve also seen how much I have to do with them to get them where they need to be. We went on an overnight as a school last week, and while it was a tiring 30 hour trip, our school has such a community now. The people I’m working with are phenomenal, smart, dedicated professionals. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better situation, but still….it it’s so hard. It is so ridiculously hard.

I keep telling myself to stop complaining about these next few months of nothingness. I’m SO lucky to have a job at all in June, so that I don’t need a job right now, so that I can sit around bored without feeling guilty about it. But I can’t stop feeling guilty about my lack of working. I feel like a drain on my family, even though I’ve done everything right up to this point. I graduated early to save money. I’m living at home to save money. I worked hard and guaranteed myself a job (with good pay AND health benefits) for the next two years! I should just enjoy this time, but that’s not the kind of person I am. If I’m not contributing right now, I feel bad spending money right now, no matter what I’ve done in the past or will do in the future. 

Also not me is this lack of…anything. I need goals and schedules. I need places to go. I need projects, and I have none. I could force myself to read some teaching books, but that isn’t enough to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. When I agreed to graduate early, I never expected to be in a situation like this. In my mind,  I thought I’d get a part time job to save money and enable me to take some guilt free trips to Boston to see my friends (and thus not feel like I’m missing out on my last semester of college) and maybe finally get myself a DSLR that would keep me busy enough at home, thus making graduating early alright. Instead, I have no job, since no one around here is hiring (Thanks, Economy!), and thus, have guilt at the thought of traveling or doing ANYTHING that would waste money, even though, I shouldn’t feel guilty (see above). So I’m double bored, as having a job would enable me to have other things to do, and not having a job results in having nothing to do. This is all now exacerbated by the fact that I have to spend some time (and thus, money) in LA to retake the teaching test in March, taking away money AND time I could have used to get a job. 

Bah! Ok…no more rambling. I need to think of some things to be excited about: going to LA when my best friend happens to be visiting for Spring Break. The NJ/PA/DE meet-up (hopefully) next week. Getting a new computer soon (ish…this keeps getting pushed back…but I’m being POSITIVE. Postive. Postive. Positive.)

Sorry this post is all woe-is-me when things could be SO much worse, but it feels nice to get this out and not just rant about it to my mom, who just tells me not to feel bad, which I wish I could do. 

Tomorrow, I’m going to try to write up my You Inspire Me post. That’s a good goal for the day, right? Right.

Yes, my top played list in iTunes consists mostly of High School Musical soundtracks and Miley Cyrus’s Breakout, with, in my defense, a few pop ups from The Fray, Rufus Wainwright, Guster and The Decemberists. I’m not a total lost. And in my defense, I mostly listen to music when I’m working out or walking somewhere in a bad mood (otherwise I’m listening to podcasts) and let’s face it – moody, emo, or punk music doesn’t do the trick in any of those cases. Only Miley knows how to get me to class on time! 

I blame my teenage obsession with NSYNC for stunting my music tastes and my all encompassing TV and Theater obsessions for taking up all of my free time, leaving me none to develop any adult taste in music. Oh well, it’s too late now, and I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding my iPod in my pocket on the T so others don’t judge me.

To cheer myself up, I will leave you with (yes another) amazing video. I present to you: Night School Musical.

And with that…good night!

Sorry this is cryptic and depressing. I promise I’ll write a really awesome Mom weekend recap (complete with a large list of Boston restaurant recommendations found during said weekend) and some kind of update about my actual life super soon. 

Until then, I hope your lives are far less confusing than mine.