This may sound odd and not like something one could actually become addicted to, because, as anyone who has ever moved or helped someone move or listened to someone’s endless story about moving, you know that there is always some moment where you are standing in the middle of your new kitchen, surrounded by boxes, paralyzed with wondering whether the plates or cookware would be better in that cabinet by the sink when you think THIS IS THE SOUL SUCKING WORST! WHY WOULD I EVER DO THIS AGAIN?

But to me, this moment has yet to break my addition. This addiction, as most addictions do, has its roots in my childhood. I had my first move at a mere six weeks, as that is how long it took the US Government to make a passport with my chubby baby face on it so my family could move from California to Japan. This was followed two years later by a move to Maryland, followed quickly by a move to Pittsburgh. That move lasted a solid eight years, before we moved again to Alabama, which lasted a less solid five years, before we moved one more time in the middle of my high school years to Ohio. This was, of course, followed by the obvious move to college and then to LA (to intern) and a year later, to live. So…yeah, I’ve moved a lot. And that doesn’t count house moves in state, which are even more plentiful, or the fact that my parents moved while I was in college, meaning when I go to their house, I’m going somewhere I only lived for four months immediately following college, which, I guess, could count as an additional move. (Note: This is also why I become uncomfortable when asked what my hometown is. Please, never ask me that. You will have to listen to this whole explanation again, and no one wants that.)

A lot of people feel bad for me when they hear this. They lament the fact that I don’t have a real place to go “home” to, whatever that really means, and the fact that I have few life-long friends. My sister and I, however, have found many positives to this. It made moving to college seem routine. It has made me an expert at making friends or just at surviving in situations and parties where I don’t know anyone. It has given me a richness of experiences that people who grew up in one location may not have gotten, and it has given me, not life-long friends, but ridiculous amounts of friends – friends who have each added something completely different and unique to my life and who shaped who I am in 1,000 different tiny ways and have made me, in my opinion anyway, a pretty interesting person who is lucky enough to have friends living almost anywhere I could go.

There is, of course, a downside to this, and not just that whole unpacking-logistics obnoxiousness, and it came up last night as I talked to one of my best friends, Christina, about her impending move to Hawaii. She, having lived in So Cal her whole life, noted that she has never gotten to do a cleanse – a cleanse of routine, a cleanse of friendships and acquaintances and obligations – a shake-up in your life that allows you to work to hold on to those you actually care to hold on to and allows you to easily let the rest slip away without all the social niceties getting in the way. I have done this cleanse many MANY times. I’ve held on tightly to those I wanted and needed to in every move and got out of many toxic and time-wasting relationships, but in a way – and here is the downside- I fear I’ve used this as a crutch. A crutch to run away from complicated problems and relationships that I had no idea how to turn around or get out of – instead of having to stick it out and make tough changes in my life and routine, I simply got to leave and start with a blank slate, taking the best with me and leaving the mess behind.

And I worry I’m doing it again. This year has been rough. I’ve settled into a couple toxic routines and relationships I know I should get out of now…but I find myself not trying to anymore, letting them go on and wallowing in annoyance and anxiety, because, who cares? I’m leaving any way!

And this really worries me, because what if one day, I’m somewhere that I don’t want to leave? And I’m stuck trying to figure out how to change situations and relationships and routines that I desperately want to change or rid myself off, but I fail, because I have no idea how to stay yet move forward.

And because of that, I fear that I’ll just keep moving. Keep saying I’m going on adventures and just quiet that nagging part of my brain that says maybe, just maybe, I’m simply running away.

I’m going to let that sink in for a minute, because a year ago, I would’ve laughed at the ridiculousness of that statement. One, because I used to think I would hate yoga, because clearly, it’s just holding poses for long periods of time and “Om-ing”. (I’ve, obviously, since been proven wrong.) I also would’ve laughed, kind of a nervous laugh, but laughed none the less, that a Tuesday could render me into a blubbering, downward-facing mess, but alas, that day has come.

What led to this? Kind of a lot of things. Months of making choices that make me feel vaguely shitty about myself in my personal life. A job that is slowly sucking me dry. A week (well really, months) of waiting to hear back about jobs and from schools and hearing nothing EVEN THOUGH THEY SAID I WOULD HEAR FROM THEM TODAY! (Perhaps I should get back into child’s pose before I start crying again…)

All of this led to last week, when in a rash bout of stress-writing, I submitted an application to be a Stratejoy blogger. I had thought about applying before, but my life was never really a mess (not that all Stratejoy bloggers are a mess…I just would’ve had NOTHING to write about because I was pretty content), and I can’t say I’d actually considered myself in quarter-life crisis mode, but in that flash of stress-writing, I realized….I am now!

Although I wasn’t chosen for this season, I did get some encouraging words from Molly, who is the queen of encouraging words, and thus, I’m trying to appreciate the whole experience, in my infinite hope in the “everything-happens-for-a-reason” philosophy, for pushing me to realize I need to do something about this kind of deep-seeded funk I’ve gotten myself into that has led to this yoga crying. I’ve been trying to baby-step my way out of it for weeks – attempting to drink less (and failing), attempting to eat better (and mildly failing), attempting to go to yoga three times a week (and going, maybe once) – and have yet to have any success. I was attaching hope to the blogging thing, thinking that if I got it, I could blog my way out of the funk by broadcasting all my madness in the hopes that it would go away, but I realize that isn’t really a solution. I can’t wait for someone to hand me a solution through blog comments to all the issues I’ve been dealing with in the past few months. I need to do something about it myself…and just blog about it here – blog comments welcome.

Thanks to all of that and my hitting my version of bottom tonight, I’m starting The Joy Equation tomorrow in hopes that it will help me take some steps this month and beyond to do less of the things that lead to tears falling into my nose as I cry in downward facing dog and more things that make me dance around my room in joy to Broadway songs, which I actually enjoy much more. Surprising, I know. Sadly, I also know that tomorrow, I’ll still be panicked waiting to hear from this job and various grad schools, still be annoyed at kids not doing their homework, still feeling kind of lonely at work and at home, and still counting down the days until June 15th when this year will be over. It’s hard to start to change when so many things are (momentarily) staying the same, but I hope I can at least try, since waiting until June for SOMETHING to give will definitely drive me to more nights like these.

It also means I should have significantly less drama and angst in my life. When any of my friends or I am in a relationship, there are always so many questions – where is this relationship going? Why didn’t he call me today? Why did his voice sound so weird on the phone? Who is he texting all the time? Why is he hanging out alone with that girl he’s “only friends” with ALL THE TIME? Well, not all the time, but enough that is annoying and a thing and I’m going to ask questions about it, goddamnit! I mean…yeah, there are a lot of questions. And sometimes stress and angst, thus being single should be easy! Stress and question free! All Amanda All The Time!

But for some reason, for the last few months, it hasn’t been all easy. It has kind of sucked. And I know it’s sucky, not because being single is inherently sucky, but because I, on some level, am making it sucky for myself. It is sucky because I sulk about it to myself when I get asked these questions by my friends, when I see people holding hands or sitting on the same side of the booth at brunch (which, I mean, NO ONE SHOULD DO!! Just eat your eggs without getting handsy. It is not that hard), when I see stupid RomCom commercials and hear single girls behind me in CVS bitch about how Valentine’s Day isn’t fun for anyone because its about corporate greed and making single people sad! (Oh, CVS girls, you are just sooo original.) It’s sucky because I (horribly) have internalized that being single is somehow a reflection on my self worth, like it means that I am somehow less than a woman who is in a relationship and that no one wants me , not that I have yet to find anyone worthy of my awesomeness, which to be frank, is probably closer to the truth. (You are loving my humbleness right now….) I have grown up in a culture where, for girls, love is the goal, and since I have yet to attain it, I am somehow missing some big, important facet of my life and should be spending all my free time searching for it and sulking for not having it yet. It is even more sucky because I regularly deny to myself that all of the proceeding facts are true. I tell myself that I have actually truly internalized all the feminist literature I’ve read (and fully believe) and am totally happy with my awesomely independent life-style, but honestly, I still feel kind of sucky. It’s a terrible vicious cycle. I make myself feel sucky for being single and then feel sucky for feeling that way instead of feeling sassy and awesome and on and on and on.

BUT step 1 of my 2012 goal is to admit all of this, here on the internet, to try to begin breaking the cycle of sucky. I desperately want to fully enjoy being single because it is in so many ways, for me right now, the best possible thing. I need time and energy to focus on not failing at my job, on filling out grad school scholarship applications, and on finishing The Wire season 1. Plus, I need to spend as much time as possible with my amazingly awesome friends, who I will miss terribly come fall if I end up using those grad school scholarships and momentarily leaving LA. So, deep breath….new mantra: single is super not sucky.

Also, full disclosure, I will for the time being, be on E-Harmony, (Thanks enabling work friends who are also on E-harmony!) because single girls still like dates right? Right…

While my life on paper looks pretty much like it did before, there are some minor changes. Still Teaching For America, though as an official alumnus now and not as an active Corps Member, and I did move up a grade with my kiddos. Plus, I joined the TFA staff bandwagon, working at their Summer Institute this past summer, which was both the most ridiculously tiring and stressful and most ridiculously fun job I’ve ever had.

Still living in LA, but I made the move from my super trendy, Grove-adjacent neighborhood, to a less trendy, more quiet, much much much closer to work neighborhood within walking distance of Nicole and Drea. Also, I’m living alone for the first time, which was mildly terrifying at first (like double-checking the locks every night before I went to sleep and then getting up again after 10 minutes of being almost asleep to check them again terrifying), but now that I can come home, sit in silence while watching a DVR full of shows that only I have taped, I’m starting to enjoy it. Plus, I get to feel all adult and accomplished when I do crazy things like unclog my shower drain after being annoyed with the standing water for a month. (That’s an adult thing right?)

And there was that whole, I was in a long-term relationship and now am not thing…which I’m fine with. I’ve had a crazy single summer and have been spending more time brunching, dancing, and just generally hanging out with my amazing friends and some new amazing friends, all of whom say I’m way more fun than I was last year, so I’m going to call it a win. Also, I may be contemplating joining a synagogue just to meet new cute Jewish boys, which I think God would be totally fine with…so maybe I’m not totally fine with being single, but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.

The other big change is that I’m thinking I may be done with teaching after this year. While I certainly don’t hate it, I’m starting to feel the “wow, I’m actually completely burned out” feeling, which may have something to do with that ridiculously tiring summer job and the fact that I”m teaching a new grade/subject for the third year in a row, and have thus never been able to reuse any of the work I’ve done for the past two years, and yeah….I’m feeling a little done, which means I need to now have that whole WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO NOW conversation in my mind for the next 8 months, which in turn means a lot of grad school applications, TFA staff applications, and web searches for jobs in theater education to see what comes up. So you’re welcome for the slew of angsty, where-do-I-want-my-life-to-go posts that will be coming your way in the next few months.

That’s all I’ve got for now – hopefully now that I’m a regular person again, after a lovely two-year hiatus, I’ll make this posting business a regular part of my week again. I mean, I owe it to the awesome redesign to at least give it a chance. (Thanks, Steph!)

Oh, sorry. That was obnoxious. That was just me laughing at the mild ridiculousness of this question, the latest prompt form Gwen Bell’s Best of ’09 Challenge.

My biggest challenge? I’m living it this instant, surrouned by papers I should’ve graded weeks ago, a week from a huge school-wide exhibition my students are no where near ready for, wishing more than anything I could be watching the finale of Top Chef instead of slowly melting down in my room…..

What is my biggest challenge? Balance. I can’t seem to find it.

I put off work. I relax.

I feel guilty. I overwork.

I oversleep. I feel guilty. I work harder.

I snap at my students. I drink too much.

I undersleep. I drink too much coffee.

I get hyper. I have a good day. I think I have it figured out.

I break down. I have no idea what I’m doing.

I procrastinate. I cram. I overshedule.

I yell at my kids for not being on top of their shit. I laugh. I’m a hypocrite.

My biggest challenge? Getting up everyday knowing I’ll go to sleep with more to do. Figuring out how to live my life and do my job without failing at both.

I hope by next year my biggest challenge is something I know I can work through, because I’m having doubts about this one.

What I just can’t figure out is, how possible is all of this? Do the people who seem to have all the things I want really have them? Do they have jobs they love? Do they have time to take pictures, to decorate their homes for the holidays, hell, just to hang pictures on their walls? Do they have time to sit on their couches, sipping hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies without the threat of the impending work week hanging over them? Are these realistic things to hope for, or am I going to give up pretty good job after pretty good job hoping for something no one actually has?

My job is hard. It’s frustrating, and time consuming, and exhausting. It takes up most of my time. I don’t dislike it, though. In fact, most of the time, I like it. I do not like, however, that in the past four months, I have yet to find the time to hang pictures in my room. I do not like that I have yet to find time to upload and edit my pictures from Thanksgiving. I do not like that I feel guilty for going out last night, as it prevented me from getting as much work done today as I would’ve liked. I do not like that I get tired at 9-o-clock at night and that I have to leave my friends’ birthday parties early because if I stay, I will fall asleep on their couches. I do not like that my job makes me feel like if I’m not working 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I’m not doing enough. I do not like that I constantly feel inadequate. I do not like that my job feels like my life, when I know I am so much more than my job. Even though I like my job, are all these things that stand in the way of my true happiness enough to encourage me to actively seek out another job in two  years when my commitment is up? Or will another job come with the same problems and then some? Are these things that will follow me around no matter where I go?

I hate that I can’t just be content. I hate that I can’t appreciate the good things without letting the not so good creep in and piss me off. I hate that I’m constantly afraid I’ll never get the things I want or that I’ll spend my life settling for less than what will make me truly happy for fear that being truly happy is impossible.

Mainly, I’m just tired. All. The. Time.

Things aren’t all bad. I definitely have good days. I have times when my kids make me laugh, when they do something fantastic, when my staff makes me feel amazingly smart, and when I look around at all these 14-year-old faces looking up at me and smile because I get to help them get to where they want to go…but right now, I’m definitely in the middle of survival mode, at least according to the “First Year of Teaching Timeline” TFA gave us all. I’m a little worried, because after survival mode is disillusionment, and I don’t think I could handle all this work on top of being seriously disillusioned.

Let’s think of some good things that happened this week: I got my FREE (yes FREE) membership to an uber fancy gym, Spectrum. I caught up on all my television. I ate Chipotle for lunch today. I finally got my next project (kind of) planned out. And that’s all I’ve got for now. Eh.
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I have, however, remembered how great it feels to be a normal person. In order to keep this feeling up, I’m going (attempt to) commit to finding time to do some things for my own sanity:

1) Work out! – I haven’t worked out since before Institute, which is horrifying on a number of levels. Jillian found this awesome dance/yoga studio within walking distance of our apartment, so I’m going to go to a class tomorrow. I’m hoping it goes well, because it would be super convenient, and it looks fun (and stress relieving!)

2) Actually Use my Camera – I’ve been looking longingly at my beautiful, sad, unused Nikon D90 for almost as long as I haven’t been working out. I can’t remember the last time I used it…oh wait, it was in Vegas! Ridiculous. I really miss just going out and finding awesome, little things to take pictures of. I’m going to try to out go at least once a week or once every two weeks and take some pictures. I doubt I’ll do anything with them, but just doing it should be relaxing.

3) Blog/Read Blogs – I’m done complaining about not blogging. I want to be able to process what’s going on in my life and record it in some way. I also don’t want to let all my blog friendships die a slow sad death. I’m going to start again. Seriously guys. Seriously.

Ok, I think that’s all I can add in to my life right now. My sanity is resting on my ability to find time to do these things, so pray for my success. Ok. Go.

So…that is my excuse. That is my mea culpa. I’m tired and busy and sad that I’m not keeping up with everyone online or even keeping up with myself. I’m told it will get easier. I’ll adjust to the sleep schedule. I’ll set up an organization system that works. I won’t wake up some mornings wondering how in the hell I’m going to get through the day. I won’t be close to tears on the phone with my mom as my students start coming in the door.

No, things aren’t that bad. My kids are ridiculously fantastic. They’ve already done some great work, but I’ve also seen how much I have to do with them to get them where they need to be. We went on an overnight as a school last week, and while it was a tiring 30 hour trip, our school has such a community now. The people I’m working with are phenomenal, smart, dedicated professionals. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better situation, but still….it it’s so hard. It is so ridiculously hard.