I’m not sure if I’ve had enough time to gain the proper perspective on this past semester. I’ve been home less than 24 hours, but it has been almost two weeks since I finished working (at least at one of my internships), so I figured now is as good a time as any to start debriefing on that particular aspect of my time in LA. Here goes on what I’m sure will turn into a thesis: 

When I started thinking about going to LA, I thought of it as more of a chance to gain experience that would help me get to where I knew I wanted to go. I thought of it as a test run, but not really in a work-related way. I knew I wanted to work in television. I just wanted to make sure I liked LA. I had no doubt I would like my jobs. Sure, I knew there would be a lot of getting coffee, covering scripts, and basic grunt work, but I had absolutely not doubt in my mind that working in development or casting was exactly where I wanted to go.

In the beginning, it all seemed to be going fantastically. I had four offers for internships (2 production companies, one soap opera, and one casting office), leaving me with the ability to pick exactly what I wanted to do. I ended up choosing the production company that worked in both film and television (where my interests were) and the casting company, because they focused on theater (which I also love). It seemed to be a perfect balance.

In the beginning, the internships were exactly what I thought they would be in terms of getting coffee and answering phones, but perhaps with a little more grocery shopping and imdb-ing than I thought. I loved everyone was I working with. I felt very inside the entertainment industry. I was reading production binders from well-known pilots. Lunch consisted of sitting in the conference watching TV with all the assistants.  I was doing exactly what I thought I wanted to do. 

Soon, however, I started to question things. I sat at my desk for hours reading terrible TERRIBLE scripts. I went to pick up a blackberry for a junior executive who had “broken his in Mexico,” then found out a month later he had sent another intern to get him another blackberry because he had spilled soy sauce on the one I got him. I spent 6 (!!!) hours on the phone calling out auditions for understudies in a two week run of an experimental play. I found myself counting down the hours until I could get the hell out of the office and into the sunshine. I sat shaking at assistants’ desks while I covered for them for the afternoon, fearing the ringing of the phone because it would mean trying to figure out how to conference in the executive on location in New Orleans without losing the original caller. I found myself realizing I in no way wanted to ever have to do what the assistant’s did or maybe even what the executives did. They had meetings. They talked on the phone a lot. They wheeled and dealed. It was all very business like. I never wanted to work in a business or in an office. That is why I didn’t go to business school. I always thought that working in development, I would feel like I was helping to make and shape what was on television. What I ended up feeling like was that the executives were like middlemen. They found projects and brought them to someone else to make. I wanted to make the TV. I wanted to be in the excitement. The office was definitely not where the excitement was. The casting office felt the same. I wanted to be more a part of the process, but the casting director is so much more a facilitator than an actual decision maker. It was all sorting through submissions and scheduling auditions so that someone else could make the decisions. These jobs weren’t what I wanted for myself. 

Every day became a constant debate in my mind. Today wasn’t too bad, but could I do this for a year? For two years? Is this what every job is like or is it just this office? I started to wonder whether there was a better job for me. Maybe I should reconsider writing. I always liked that in class. Perhaps I would be happier working in production, outside or on set, running around, actually seeing things getting made. Maybe I should just find a job in theater. Or maybe I just didn’t like the realities of working, and the jobs I didn’t have just seem great because I wasn’t off doing them. Maybe once I got there, I would hate them too. 

I think that was the hardest part of this whole experience for me: realizing that I can never realy know what something will be like or if I’ll actually like doing something until I’m actually doing it. I feel like I can’t trust myself anymore to make any kind of decision based on what I think I might like, because, well, I’ve been wrong before. Why couldn’t I be wrong again?

So here I am, entering my last few months of school with absolutely NO idea where I should go or what I should do once I’m done. My classes in the fall kind of revisit things I thought I didn’t want to do (writing, production), but am now reconsidering. Hopefully, I’ll get an even better idea of my strengths in them to see if I could pursue them once I graduate. I’m also going back to work at the Huntington Theatre, where I’m hopefully going to try to work in some different departments to see if I like that as well. I’m hoping that as the summer and fall semester go by, I can add to my experiences this past semester to have some semblance of an idea of where I am going. My mom keeps assuring me I don’t need to have a plan, and I’m not delusional enough to think I need a five or ten year plan to be able to do anything after graduation. I’ve just always had a very clear goal in my head for where I was going. Ever since I was in 7th grade, I’ve known exactly what I wanted to do. It’s changed many MANY times, but I’ve never been where I am now. I’ve never not had any idea. I feel so aimless and lost. It sucks. I thrive on direction, on having a goal and reaching it. If I have no goal, how can I figure out my next move. I just don’t want to suffer through some crappy entry level position not knowing what I am working towards. 

I guess the point of this post is that I learned this semester that I don’t know anything. I didn’t absolutely  hate where I worked, but I would think twice before accepting an entry level position in similar organizations after I graduate. Thank god I have 7 months until the end of college. Hopefully, I’ll have some sort of breakthrough from now until then that will at least give me some insight as to what to do next. If not, at least I have 7 months before I have to decide anything definitive. 

Up next: A wrap-up of  my life experience in LA outside of work – think bars, cars, and movies! Horay!

I feel like I haven’t been posting a lot, but nothing too exciting has been happening. Everything is winding down here. My casting internship ended on Friday with a three hour casting session in the valley. I had the morning off, which would have allowed me to sleep in had I not had to move my car at 7:30AM due to street resurfacing outside my garage. Grace and I made the most of it by heading to IHOP for a surprisingly delicious breakfast. I then had a ton of time to do all the shopping I couldn’t do on Thursday, being stuck in my apartment due to said street resurfacing. I FINALLY bought gladiator sandals, fulfilling my three week obsession with finding some. Thanks DSW! They were inexpensive and are actually quasi comfortable. Very exciting. The only downside to the morning was having three cups of coffee before 10AM, which led to my crashing later in the day. Oops. 

Leaving my internships was weird. I’m terrible at saying good-bye, because I’m one of those people who doesn’t really feel something has ended until I’m sitting alone in my room thinking about how awesome something was a month later, leading me to cry alone in my room like a crazy person. When I’m still standing there with the people I’m saying good-bye to, it just doesn’t feel over. I’m still there! Even now, I feel like I’m going back to see all these people next week. It won’t sink in until I’m walking around Target in Wilmington with my mom two weeks from now, bored out of my mind, friendless and alone. Dramatic enough for you? I kid you not, this will happen. When I moved from Alabama, I didn’t cry when I said good-bye to my best friends, but had a nervous break-down two weeks later when I toured my new school and realized I wouldn’t be with them anymore. It’s never a good situation. Anyway, everyone was amazingly supportive when I left, telling me to stay in touch and offering any help they can in the future. It’s nice to know I’ve made such a positive impression on everyone I’ve worked with. Hopefully, I’ll actually stay in touch and be able to use all these people as resources in the future.

The people from my production company internship gave me a $50 gift card to Barnes and Noble (aka my favorite store of all time), which I got on Thursday night, making it an extremely positive night. Later when I was still reeling from the gift receiving, I found out that I get to be co-executive producer of the Bay State (America’s longest running college soap opera, in case you didn’t know.) next semester! My goal in starting to work on the show the first month of my freshman year was to eventually run the show, and now I get to, so horay for accomplishing goals! 

I apologize for the lack of coherent blogging. I try to come up with fun topics to discuss, and then nothing interesting happens to me. When I get home, I’m sure my boredom will cause me to become more philosophical in my blogging, so look forward to that. 

First, I’m jumping on the band wagon with the 50 Bloggers in 50 States link-fest. (Sign up here.) I’m going with Massachusetts, since that is where I will be soon and indefinitely living. 

Second, today was my last day at my production company internship. I managed to get through the day without leaving the office, which is a feat unto itself, and I wrote thank-you notes to all the assistants, because I am brown-nosing loser. Whatever. It’s all about networking.

No one really knew it was my last day, which made it slightly awkward when I went to say good-bye. Everyone could not have been nicer though, genuinely thanking me for everything I have done. (Coolest: Reading scripts slash meeting celebrities. Uncoolest: Taking used yogurt containers out of the kitchen sink, half filled with water, because people think they are dishes.) They offered me any help they could give should I come back to LA, which is definitely nice and comforting should I choose to come back. (Still very much undecided.)

I’m going to be doing a huge semester wrap-up soon about what I’ve learned and where I think I’m headed form here, but now is not the time. American Idol is on soon. 

I just watched The TV Set, and while it was an extremely good movie, it was like seeing all my worst fears about working in the television business come to life on screen. The executives were unfeeling and uncreative. Their families were falling apart. The writer comprised and comprised until he didn’t even recognize his extremely personal show anymore, and his manager, while being his friend, encouraged him at every turn to give in just to get the show on the air. Perhaps that wasn’t the best of rental choices.

In other news, my sickness has turned into debilitating tiredness. I almost fell alseep at my desk yesterday. When I got home, I fell onto my bed and had to roll myself off to get up and make dinner – and by make dinner I mean microwave leftovers from my free work lunches. My life right now is amazing, isn’t it?

Tuesday I head down to San Diego for some beach and family time. As long as at least 50% of my time is devoted to lying down, I’m sure it’ll be a wonderful vacation.

I suck at blogging. I try to get over this fact again and again, imagining how I am going to commit to keeping everyone updated about my life in this fast and simple way. Then I move somewhere new, get a thousand and one things to do, and just completely forget to write anything. Not that I don’t have anything to write about. Things have been just crazy…however, after going to work at 9, driving home for an hour at 6, running to class for three hours, and then getting home at 10:30, I never feel like sharing all that craziness with anyone else. Maybe when all I have to do is work at one job I will feel like writing more. Hrm…

Anyway, let’s update quickly. I’ve been in LA for almost two months now. In that time I have been to a number of fun bars slash clubs – El Carmen, St. Nicks, Boulevard 3, 86 being stand-outs. I’ve seen a number of mildly famous celebrities – Sophia Bush in BCBG, Mr. J of Top Model fame outside The Ivy, that guy who plays Beverly Leslie on Will and Grace at the movies, and most excitingly, Alexis Bledel in a doctor’s waiting room. I’ve been on some fun weekend excursions to Santa Monica Pier and to Las Vegas for Jillian’s birthday, where we got to act like VIP’s at Tao – another crazy bar/club – because Jillian’s cousin works there.

On the work front, I’ve had to do some crazy things. At the production company, I’ve been sent to Ben Affleck’s house…twice. I’ve had to go grocery shopping, pick up prescriptions and new blackberries, buy twelve copies of the same book, and read some truly heinous scripts. I have, however, also made friends with some cool assistants, read some truly amazing scripts (J.J. Abram’s new pilot, anyone?), and learned my way around West LA and Santa Monica through my many errand runs. At the casting office, I have spent several hours on the phone calling out auditions, gotten chatty with some washed up talent agents, made possible cast lists that producer’s have praised, helped run auditions and chatted it up with some fun actors.

Overall, the experience has been positive, but also a little scary. Let me explain: being here has made my future life seem all the more real. I mean, when you are in college, you have this vague notion of what your life will be like, and it seems fantastic because it is vague and mysterious. Once you are out here in the place you plan to move to working in the places you plan to work in, it is much less vague. It is concrete and very, very real. You see what your life will actually be like, rather than what you imagine it to be like. Not that this real life is a bad life – it’s just like any life: There are good parts and bad parts and lots of errand running and making copies. You (and by you, I clearly just mean me) start to question if this is really what you want your whole life to be. Not that any other option is worlds better, but anything else you think of is that vague idea of a life, as opposed to this real one sitting in front of you.

I guess this is what scares people about graduating from college. I always looked forward to leaving college in a way, as it meant getting away from drunken idiots, 12-page papers written in a weekend, and dealing with a diminished, immature dating pool. I usually fail to realize the good parts of college – the four day weekends, the ability to nap daily, the general lack of responsibility, and the wonderfulness of all of your time being your own. Not that I want to stay in college indefinitely – I just always glorify what is yet to come rather than enjoying where I am, and now that I see what is ahead of me, I’m a little scared and a lot happy that I still have 6 more months left of college.

Or maybe this is all just the fever talking. Did I mention that is why I am finally writing? Because I have a fever of 101 and can’t get out of my bed? This probably isn’t the best state in which to contemplate the future. Oh well…